Chris Complains

iJudging

2012-02-07T19:54:00.000-08:00

Well I guess you could be judging me, but to shake off that feeling a bit, I'll believe you are judging my iPhone (ok I really have an Incredible but iPhone just sounds catchier).

You look over at me with a glare like how dare you be on your phone during the middle of service. You're probably looking at facebook or even worse: composing a work email (remember that commandment to rest).

So maybe I am on twitter, but how do you know I'm not messaging Neil a quote from the sermon he'd really like, but couldn't hear because he has a cold. Maybe I'm texting the pastor about some announcement or ordination he forgot. You never know...

There's got to be something I can do to help you stop judging me. Maybe I could wear a hat or neck tie with a cool tech saying

I'm reading the Bible
iPhone for iManuel
Live Sermon Tweeting
Jesus is my Facebook friend

I guess I could also just turn off my phone for a couple hours, but then why have it in my pocket.

Have you judged someone using their phone during church? How have you avoided a wrathful judgement?

Kid Program Bingo

2011-12-05T14:38:00.000-08:00

Most churches has a kids program, often around Christmas time. This year, instead of cringing your way through a painfully off-key version of "Silent Night," play Kiddo Bingo and try to spot the following kids:

1. Yeller
Identifying Features: All notes become the same pitch for these kids: a nice, steady, agonized wail. The Yellers can usually be found about three inches away from the microphone. They combine two very important children’s choir principles: projection and "making a joyful noise." It’s like they’re trying to out-sing the rest of the choir, as well as the original heavenly host of Bethlehem. I wouldn’t bet against them.

2. Sloucher
Identifying Features: Generally sits in the back row and no matter how many times his teacher pokes him in the back, he maintains the posture of the hunch-back of notre dame.

3. Shy One
Identifying Features: If forced to go onstage, these kids will fix their eyes directly on the ground and never look up. Occasionally, the director will have mercy on them and let them hand out jingle bells to the other kiddos or play a donkey in the nativity scene.

4. Nose Picker
Identifying Features: Has no real sense of where he is or how many people are watching maybe even recording his every movement. He'll generally start with a nose rub, but quickly progress to a digit insertion. Upon extraction, there will generally a brief examination period followed by a "gifting" of the green treasure to the Crier.

5. Crier
Identifying Features: like the shy one, she doesn't like to sing. She generally starts out a little sniffly and the full water works is turned on either directly before or after she stammers her memorized line into microphone.

6. Smiles
Identifying Features: It is generally believed this one is related to the sloucher, but parenting has either trained him to be overly polite or scared him into a false state of joy. Either way he doesn't seem to pay attention to the singing around him, or doesn't care to participate; he'll just smile. During high school he will be voted most likely to be bobble-head doll model.

7. Responsible One
Identifying Features: There is always an older kid, usually a girl, who holds the real power in the group. She has the most lines and she always happy and confident at the rehearsals. You’ll see her corralling the younger kids, even kindly most of the time.

8. Runner
Identifying Features: This one is easy to spot and was often previously identified as the crier. The key is a hasty exodus from the the choir loft often during the spiritual high note of the program. The runner continues down the aisle with arms out stretched until he reaches his slightly to very embarrassed parents.

When you get a bingo be sure to yell loud enough that I can hear you! What other kids should we be on the look out for during the next kid's program at church?

Cleaning the Chapel

2011-11-15T13:28:00.000-08:00

A lot of congregations to save money ask members to volunteer and help clean the church. Recently while participating in one of those cleaning mornings, I saw these parallels with scripture.

The Parable of the 10 Diapers
In the bathroom of the the Kingdom of Heaven there were ten dirty diapers, who having been soiled were left to sit in the garbage can. Five of them were loaded, and five were just wet. Now while the pastor was delayed, they all slumbered and ripened. But at 9am there was a cry, "Behold! The pastor is coming! Come out to meet him!" Then all those diapers prepared to release their odors. The wet ones said to the loaded, "Give us some of your poop, for our scent is too weak." But the loaded answered, saying, "What if there isn't enough for us and you? You go and try to collect some rotting fruit from the bottom of the can." While they buried themselves looking for rotting fruit, the pastor came, and those who were loaded released their stench before being dumped and made the pastor throw up a little in his mouth. Then the bag was sealed in the dumpster. Afterward the other diapers also surfaced, saying, "Open to us. Let us make you vomit also." But the pastor answered, "Wait for the garbage man."

The Prodigal Hymnal
There was a hymnal who lived in the sanctuary. It decided to leave the promised land and travel to distant places to participate in riotous living. Arriving in the nursery, the hymn book got piercings and tattoos and liked the attention and living it up until it suffered a broken back in a toddler head-on collision. It remembered the calm safe life of a hymn book in the choir loft and returned to the sanctuary where he was "made new" by the choir-master and rejoined the other books in the back of pews.
Miracle of Cheerios and Fishes
After cleaning was done, the pastor called the helpers together and said, "they have already been with me three hours and have nothing to eat. I do not want to send them away hungry, or they may collapse on the way and we know refreshments are necessary for any church event. What do we have to eat?"

"Just the candy in your office," they replied. He instructed them to kneel on the floor between the pews and to stretch forth their hands under and between the cracks in the pews and if they lacked not faith, refreshments would be provided. Afterward, he picked up 7 baskets overflowing with cheerios and gold fishes. And all left filled, if not a little queasy too.

Have you ever counted how many cheerios and fishes you can find at church or wondered how the hymn books seem to be so "experienced"? Have you had any strange thoughts while cleaning the church?

Unfinished Posts

2011-11-14T15:37:00.001-08:00

One reason I haven't been posting too much is that I have a problem finishing tasks. I read in the first chapter of a book somewhere that having difficulty completing tasks can be a sign of ADHD. That was as far as I made it before I switched to a more exciting book.

So here are some ideas for posts I thought about writing but never completed:

Ways to Describe Extreme Sports

Courage: Fortune favors the bold. But only after misfortune weeds out the stupid.
Experience is the best teacher. Some lessons are brief.
Courageous: Because 'moronic' just sounds mean in a eulogy
Adventure: You'll either have a great story to tell when you get back, or a fantastic obituary.

Following Jesus
I don't wear a seat belt. Seat belts and airbags don't save lives. Jesus does. You'd only know that though if you follow Jesus.

Oh you are Christian, but I bet you don't follow Jesus. Right now he only has 300,000 true followers and I bet you're not one of them.

So you want to be true follower? Go to twitter.com/jesus

The Last 3 Presidents
Read my lips.
I did not have sexual relations with that woman. OR It depends on what the meaning of the word 'is' is.
Mission Accomplished
I wonder what Obama's signature gaffe quote will be? Hopefully not the one about having visited 57 states; that's pretty boring and I bet he said it on purpose.

Possible Obama Slogans
Change you believe In*
*subject to federal regulations
(its funny not a political statement, so don't bother commenting about how he may or may not have done anything about regulations)

The Carnal Sexual Man

2011-11-11T14:11:00.000-08:00

Growing up going to church, I learned that the carnal man isn't a follower of God. And that we need to put off our carnal desires and submit to ourselves completely to God. I can't tell you how many times I've heard sermons and lessons about mastering our human desires.

But what about sex?

Are we still supposed to put off our carnal (maybe even kinky) desires? How speakers at church and conferences talk about sex seems dry. We acknowledge that God created humanity and thus created sex, but act like he was completely caught off guard when sex was an enjoyable activity. We act like he created it as a clinical activity designed for making babies. I think that is really how we approach it publicly. "It's beautiful" is the most common thing to describe sex at church. Funny how they describe child birth the same way.

Where does the beauty of sex come from? It's not me, so it's gotta be from my wife right? Child birth is also described as beautiful so maybe they're similar. It's the emotions. It's the feelings. It's the intimacy we feel. The love that is shared.

I can get a lot of those same emotions by cuddling and talking. That's what for years, I was taught to do.

Growing up, I can't tell you how many times I heard that we should control ourselves. That sexual purity just wasn't about what we did, but also about what we thought. That gets translated in a youth's mind to "having sexual thoughts is bad".

Here are some of my observations about how sex is discussed at church:

1. We teach guilt
Lots of churches teach their youth groups for years that "sex before marriage is bad". I agree with that statement. The problem is how the teenage mind works. It isn't able to handle such a complicated statement. Instead it forms a short hand version: "sex is bad". Then magically their wedding night comes and it is no longer "bad" but it's so engraved in their mind that it can haunt their marriage for years. Combine that sex is bad thought with the doctrine to conquer the carnal man and you have a guilt vacation instead of just a guilt trip when even considering sex as a pleasurable marriage pastime.

2. We have 20 lessons on lust for 1 on the gift of sex
It seems like the conversation has become very one sided. Lust is the "strong sexual desire for someone" (see Google if you don't believe me). I've never heard an exception carved out that is OK (maybe even good) to have a strong sexual desire (lust) for my wife. Maybe lust is like the force: there is a dark side and we are afraid that the dark side will win. Sometimes I wish every time we we taught that unmarried sex is dangerous, hopeless and sad, we also taught that MARRIED sex is AWESOME!

3. We don't have anywhere to discuss it
We see intimacy is beautiful, holy, and sacred. Maybe so much so that we're afraid to discuss it anywhere. Sex is being attacked fully by the world and the best we can do is to abstain from talking about it! We can't even seem to talk about how good it is, maybe a small struggle we've had. If we ever did that at church we'd probably be labeled as part of the world. As far as I can tell, you're only supposed to discuss sex with your partner and if neither of you know what to do tough luck.

The reality as far as I see it.

1. God loves sex
Why else would he give us that as one of our greatest desires? Even though I wanted to throw up when my mom used to tell me, “Sex is a wonderful gift from God,” she was right.

2. Sex can get better the longer you’re married.
Yes my wife knows I'm saying this and yes I know Andy will probably want to throw up if he ever stumbles on this post as a teenager, but I can say that after 7 years of marriage our sex life is way better than it was during year 1. There is one big caveat though. Sex won’t get better if your marriage isn’t getting better.

Don't let our culture divorce sex from God. We can talk about it normally with our spouse and with our friends and maybe even publicly.

Solid Wood

2011-11-09T16:48:00.000-08:00

Aside from complaining on my blog, I brag because it makes me feel better than you and how I feel is generally more important than actually reality.

So Masha got it in my head that I needed to make her a new kitchen table. We'll just say that so far it rocks. Not literally. My carpentry is much better than that. It is level and stable.

Now we just need to sand and finish it and we'll have an awesome 4ft by 6 ft SOLID WOOD table.

Coming out at Church

2011-10-05T10:39:00.000-07:00

I'm not, but a few friends from church have in the last couple years. While I think I handled it well - I don't love them less or enjoy being their friends any less - it did occur to me all the ways other congregants could have reacted when some one at church comes out to us.

1. Avoidance
By far the easiest reaction. We still say "hi" but then I go sit in the furthest corner of the sanctuary from you. All of a sudden, the social coffee/cookie group after services where we'd share insights from the sermon occurs during my baby's nap time. The small group on Wednesdays we used to attend now conflicts with my son's baseball practice. Eventually I change email address, phone numbers, delete my facebook account, and move across the country.

2. Pretend I always knew
No, I'm not shocked! In fact it doesn't surprise me in the least bit. I've known at least as long as you have. In fact, a couple years ago the church choir had a raffle about when you'd go public and I won the 2-3 year window.

3. Worrying your relationship will move outside your comfort zone
We've been good friends. During morning Bible study at the coffee shop, we've shared some really good insights. In the evenings we've had a great time just hanging around playing video games and eating pizza. Maybe next year I'd be ok going to the Pride Parade as a sign of support. I could probably even be the best man if you have a civil union ceremony in the future, but there is no way I'm going to be the flower girl and march down that aisle in drag and stiletto heels.

Have you had a friend who's gay? How did you react when you found out?

PS - My opinion here: we should congratulate our friends for being honest with us and themselves even if we think they are sinning. In all likelihood it was really hard for them to admit (that's why it's called coming out - they've been hiding).

Feeding Sheep

2011-08-09T09:40:00.001-07:00

It came to my attention that as people who love the Lord, we haven't taken his command to "feed his lambs" or "feed his sheep" seriously. He originally asked Peter,

"Lovest thou me … ?" Peter answered, "Thou knowest that I love thee." And the Lord replied, "Feed my lambs." The Lord asked him the second time, "Lovest thou me?" Peter again answered, "Yea, Lord; thou knowest that I love thee." The Lord said to Peter, "Feed my sheep." The Lord asked a third time, "Lovest thou me?" Peter answered, "Lord, thou knowest all things; thou knowest that I love thee." Jesus said unto him, "Feed my sheep."

The Lord didn't have too much to say immediately before and after his death (he was feeling kind of weighted down), but two things he made really clear: 1) John was to take care of his mother Mary; 2)He wanted his sheep fed. How we understand that scripture is Peter's fault, who is famous for messing up (remember the sword vs ear, the falling asleep and the cock crowing incidents). Jesus wasn't saying that we should tend to the Christians of the world; that was Peter's idea!

All he really wanted was his sheep to be fed. Ever since dearly departed Joseph departed, he had been helping his mother Mary along. Now aging she needed all the help she could get. That's why he told John to take care of her. He also left her some livestock, sheep to be exact.

John's account of the conversation with Peter left out a few lines. Jesus continued, "Really Peter, if you loved me would I have to ask you three times to go do something? Get out there and feed them. Their wool is looking terrible; the lambs were born while I was entombed. Someone is going to have to tend them or they'll stop calling me the Good Shepherd and start calling the Terrible Shepherd!"

It came to my attention today that someone actually did listen to him and fed his sheep. They moved his flock into the wilderness where they thrived for 2000 years. The flock migrates between Israel and Egypt and has suffered immensely from the turmoil in the region. Most of the shepherds have died. Many of their wells have dried up. The grazing lands have withered and dried. His sheep are starving to death.

Will you join with me to feed his sheep? For as little as 25 cents a day, you can provide 10 little lambs with fresh hay and clean water. You will get a picture you can proudly display of lambs you are saving. You can be an under-shepherd.

Will you heed his command to feed his lambs when they need it the most?

Mt Shasta 2011

2011-08-03T15:26:00.000-07:00

Last week I went to Mt Shasta. The snow conditions were good and weather was clear and sunny. This year my normal climbing partners couldn't go. I looked on the Shasta forums to see if there was anyone else needing a partner and I found Mark. Luckily for us neither of us turned out to be serial killers. Mark however did turn out to be a great photographer (and with that kind of an eye, I'd recommend him if you need graphic/industrial design as well) and he got a bunch of really good shots.

All the gear for a high ascent is heavy, so I worked on minimizing the weight and the gear I took. Somehow, I suspect most of you aren't very interested in the ounce by ounce I had in my pack and which items I took and which ones I didn't take. If you're curious you can see my pack list.

Now for the play by play...We drove up Thursday night after work and through rush hour traffic. Slept in the back of the truck at the trail head where we were promptly eaten by bugs the whole night. It kind of turned into a drowsy game of wack-a-mole and hiding under the sleeping bags and trying not to smother ourselves at the same time.

In the morning we packed up our bags and started off toward Horse Camp then onto Helen Lake. We made good time and weren't too tired when finally made up to 10400ft of lake bed. We lounged around, talked to people and ate as much as we could while resting up for the early ascent the next morning.

After going to bed around 8:30pm, we woke up at 3:00am and were off to start before 4:00am. Right out of Helen Lake is a long 2000ft tall hill with an average grade of +40%. That was the hardest part and a couple times I thought about turning around. It just seems that each step takes you no where up that hill since it is completely open and from the beginning you can see the red band of rocks that are the finish of the hill and they never seem to get closer. Well they did, we went through the Red Banks (12600ft) at about 7:30am. We slowly made it up to the next big hurdle: Misery Hill.

Lucky for us Misery Hill wasn't too miserable that day. Although pretty tired already, I knew given the time of the day, if I just kept going no matter how slow, I would make it to the summit and soon enough I was at the summit plateau. Then the short climb to the top. We hung out at the top for about an hour soaking in the nice view, eating Easy Cheese and crackers, then we slid down the hills we just came up and soon enough we were back at the truck.

After a climb like that there is only one place to eat, the Black Bear Diner of course. I normally am a Hungry Bear, but being on diet, opted for the normal sized chicken fried steak and it was just the right amount.

Again thanks to Mark for the great photos!

If you haven't been to Mt Shasta yet, let's go next year! Who's in?

NOTE: I tried to write a funny post, but I just couldn't, sorry it turned out all trip report.

Singles Vs Marriage Lesson

2011-07-27T14:47:00.000-07:00

At church the last couple weeks we've had a few lessons about marriage, eternal marriage, families centered lives, etc, etc, etc. It made me think there are plenty of people not in husband/wife/kids families. The older folks whose kids are grown take these lessons as an opportunity to share wisdom with the young whipper snappers. The married-with-kids folk get to tell about the 'joys' of rearing young kids to the childless couples. Young newlyweds start to wonder why they should ever have kids. Then there's the singles group. When there is a marriage lesson, the teacher always tries to reach out to them as well, but most times it doesn't go as well and often its just plain disastrous.

In case you're wondering what NOT TO SAY and do when teaching singles a marriage lesson or talking to them afterward, here is that list:

I just don’t understand how someone as great as you isn’t married yet.
If you stop looking for love you’ll find it.
Maybe you need to focus on being more like a Proverbs 31 woman.
It’s not good for man to be alone
Well, Paul was never married

Although I've only been married and out of the singles group 7 short years (best years of my life babe! *wipe tear from eye, sniffle, sniffle), I've noticed somethings about average singles group at most churches:

People like to volunteer the single people because "they're single; they've got tons of free time"
The singles group tends to be a combination of single adults, divorce recovery and retired widowers who refuse to move to Florida and can often morphs from a social-spiritual group to a support group.
There's always one person who feels creating a profile on eHarmony is a sign that you don't have enough faith God will provide your mate
There's always some congregant who likes to set everyone up with their grown single child because they have two things in common: both single and both have a pulse.
There's always someone who's bitter that men age into "bachelors" and women into "crazy cat ladies"

What's the craziest comment you're heard during a marriage/family lesson?

Checking In

2011-07-20T13:16:00.001-07:00

If you're not in the know, it's a feature that let's people know where you're at and who you're with and what you're doing there. As far as I can tell it has 2 main purposes:

1. Brag about where you are at
-At (impressive) restaurant with (wife/girlfriend), who is the hotter than ever!
-At Disneyland wishing you were with me!

2. Bemoaning that your at a universally recognized lame place
-Standing in line at the DMV
-Stuck at ________ airport. ahhhh my flight was delayed 20 hours.

Here are some check ins I bet you'll never see (unless you follow me that is)
at Target on a self-medicating shopping spree
at Black Bear Diner eating until I'm sick to my stomach
at Safeway buying overpriced groceries
at Borders oh they're closed I can't get in
at Hospital ER Waiting Room enjoying conversations with the local drunks (I didn't know you could have that big a gash in your head)
at Cemetery grieving raccoon my car hit this afternoon
at Porsche Dealership admiring cars I'll never afford
at Bank about to pass teller a 'special' note
at Church waiting impatiently for Communion
at City Dump looking for tasty leftovers
at San Quentin admiring the architecture - should be a great place for my 12 month vacation

Where do you check in on Facebook?

The Wizard

2011-07-14T09:39:00.001-07:00

I'm thinking of a fictional wizard...

He is awesomely powerful...
He has a ton of enemies that try to destroy him...
He has good friends...
He has a red haired friend (hint, hint)...
He often had to sleep in a small prison like room...
The books about him were written in the UK...

Any guesses.........

Don't tell me you haven't figured it out by now...

It should be painfully obvious...

I mean he is the most powerful wizard and has been super popular for years...

And he has some very distinctive features...

OK finally, of course I am talking about

Gandolf

My First Olympic Triathlon

2011-07-11T20:29:00.000-07:00

The most important number...in my age group I placed fourth!!!!*

Now the whole story. In the beginning of the training I decided it would be best to train with Andy. We did running and cycling training together. This was great because it prepared me for the challenges I'd meet on race day.

First off the swim. It was a deep water start which meant getting to sit in the warm bay water and relaxing for a couple minutes. During that time I chatted up a couple guys and we decided the best strategy for transitions. I joked that the best strategy was not to be tired from swimming. After the horn sounded, I quickly made it through the swim and into transition without any problem.

Next, the bike ride. I think the highlight of the ride was cruising at super fast speeds then trying to take on water bottles from kids standing on the side of the road. The worst part: the wind. The course was twisty and turning except for one long long long straight a way. Into a head wind. A brief 26 miles later I was done.

Finally the run. I started out a nice pace. I had a goal for time in mind and body quickly settled into a rhythm. We ran 3 laps of a 2 mile course. It was fun to see people pass by and to look at the Bay Bridge construction. The run went super smooth until the last leg (more on that later). The last leg really wore me out.

Masha also did really good on the race. To her credit she finished with a time nearly 25 minutes faster than mine.

Let me explain. Going back to that last leg of the run... I was just about to start the final acceleration down the finishing sprint when Masha struggled by going to opposite way on the course. It was obvious that her crockus had either just given out or was about to. I opted to turn around, run the last lap again with her. Running arms around each other, supporting her weight, a wild cheer rang out from the crowd of millions as we crossed the finish line together where we collapsed in utter exhaustion.

Of course if you ask Masha about the race, she has a different story. Mine is obviously more credible though.

I'd like to thank our sponsors A&J Babysitters. They really do a good job sitting the babies and their prices can't be beat!

*to last

Worst Songs

2011-07-07T11:14:00.000-07:00

I love music. I even like a catchy tune. But I hate it when a song is stuck in my head for what seems like eternity. Maybe eternal punishment could be listening to same song over and over again until it rots your brain. Since misery likes misery, I'm going to share the songs that have been going through my head for the past month or so. Good luck on getting them out of your head!

1. Rebecca Black: Friday

2. Katy Perry: Last Friday Night

There are other terrible songs out there too like Black Eye Peas My Humps, but at least they don't have a day of the week in their title so you're not reminded of them each Friday.

Do you like either or dislike (or hate with a passion) both?

Shirt Collection

2011-06-20T09:23:00.001-07:00

In case you missed it, my shirt collection was featured on Masha Ellsworth Photography! If you've ever wondeered how many of those shirts do you have, well this is about half of them.

Father's Day

2011-06-17T10:39:00.001-07:00

I love posting to my blog on Fridays. After all, you gotta get down on Friday. Why? Great question: because everybody's lookin' forward weekend, weekend.

This weekend, weekend is Father's Day. Like any good holiday, it is about me. Father's Day is supposed to be a great day where I forget how I may have forgotten Mother's Day, my wife's birthday, our anniversary and valentine's day, yet expect a day full of breakfast in bed, new razor sets, and neckties. Aside from those (and anything monogrammed "World's Greatest Dad"), I don't think any other Father's Day gifts exist.

Being my first Father's Day as a father, this is a big precedent setting day. Traditions take hold very easily and aren't easily changed (gotta love baseball games for the anniversary!).

I guess all I can say is that we-we-we so excited. I don't want this weekend to end.

Saying Grace

2011-06-06T15:54:00.001-07:00

Traditionally everyone gathers around a large table and someone pronounces gratitude and pleads for a blessing on the feast before them, at least that's how I picture it. With modern eating habits, and social norms how, when and what rules apply to prayers before meals.

What counts as food?

Normally you pray before eating a meal as a group. But what about before eating cookies and green jello (prayer required if it has carrots)? I've been tempted when asked to "bless the refreshments" to say something like "God we are grateful for junk food and the event organizers who knew we wouldn't attend with out it. Bless us that we may become one with thee as we become one with the desserts."

What food is "blessed"?

I know this can vary depending on what is said in the prayer, but if the food isn't on the table is it still safe to eat? If it is not, you better wait for all the late arrivals to get there so the food they bring is also safe. Maybe its not the food, but a blessing on the stomachs of the people who hear the prayer. Then you have to worry about the last person still scrambling in the kitchen and hasn't come out yet. The general rule here is to also bless "the hands that prepared" the food.

Leftovers

The food was blessed last night before meals now today at lunch I feel tempted to bless it again. Was the blessing last night not good enough? Maybe I don't fully trust the faith of the person who said the prayer. Maybe I need to supplement their prayer with one of my own - you can never be too safe. Caution though, if your wife catches you supplementing her prayers you headed to the dog house.

Sometimes I wonder what the half life of a food blessing is. Obviously it holds for at least an hour while you enjoy a meal as a group. It probably is still good when you grab a midnight snack. Maybe the blessing decays as molds slowly start to grow while it is tucked away in your fridge. From a public health stand point does the blessing also decay faster if the food is left in the "Danger Zone" (40-130 degrees)?

Eating in Public

I eat lunch with a group of co-workers. They aren't devote so would I just bow my head and offer a prayer? If yes, what is the proper etiquette when you see someone privately praying in public? The observer could pause, but I know people who go on and on in their prayers and I only have 30 minutes for lunch. And 10 of my coworkers converted and I ran into all of them praying on their own, my lunch break is toast. Then again it could be really awkward for people who walk up on someone and maybe ask them a question from behind without realizing they are privately praying in public. Luckily I don't suffer from this, but if you went to a religious school and walked through the food court, you could run into tons of people privately praying.

Fast Food

Recent studies have concluded that about 20% of food consumed in America is in the car. This gives a new meaning to fast food. Personally, last time I bowed my head to say grace over my Jack in the Box acquisition while barreling down the freeway the results weren't pretty. In and Out is probably safe without a blessing, but you need all the help you can get with Taco Bell (especially if its a long road trip)!

Do you pray before meals? Or have you had an awkward encounter with someone privately praying in public?

The Next Disaster

2011-06-02T15:15:00.001-07:00

The disaster I fear the most has been ridiculed and mocked by everyone except Hollywood. I am deathly afraid of a zombie attack. I imagine them drilling into by head and sucking my brain out through a straw while I am still alive. I think they'd do it too.

This week the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention posted an article called Preparedness 101: Zombie Apocalypse. They called it preparedness 101! The fact that they choose to make this the entry level discussion shows how serious a threat zombies are. You'd think if they were concerned about hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes or fires those would be in the entry level class. NO ZOMBIES are the entry level!

The website gives general recommendations about preparing for the zombie apocalypse. I'm glad that they got me to start preparing.

Will you be prepared?
What disaster should we prepare for next?

JCB

2011-05-23T11:41:00.000-07:00

Sunday a foodie friend came over for a short visit. I realized during our conversation I hadn't reviewed the best appetizer in the Bay Area!

This appetizer is the legendary Jalapeno Cheesy Bread. I got an order of it to go Wednesday night hoping to enjoy it immediately, but Masha insisted on keeping half the order for taking pictures, only releasing them to me after they were cold.

This order (the pieces not in the photo shoot) was warm and tasty on the tongue. The bottom of the cheesy bread crisp, cracking open a soft fluffy interior with the softest bite. As my teeth pieced the cheesing topping, a zest of jalapeno was released that just slightly tingled the palette.

At a cost of only $3.99 plus tax, it is an affordable add on to any dinner (the tomato soup isn't included).

Where to get:
Your neighborhood Little Caesars Pizza. Call ahead or wait 10 minutes for them to make it fresh!

Guitar Hero

2011-05-12T10:52:00.000-07:00

Almost everyone wants to be that one guy you know who can rock it and sing almost any song while jamming on the guitar (John, Adam I might be talking to you) or piano (Frank). It seems like a cool talent and at least in college you get a lot of attention for it.

These "musicians" have been hiding a secret from us non-musicians this whole time. The chances are they only need to play the same 4 chords and choose what melody to sing.

I guess they are like the magicians who don't actually do magic but just fool us with some showy slight of hand.

Where do I sign up to learn the chords?

Happy Mothers Day

2011-05-04T08:29:00.001-07:00

I know it's not Mother's Day until Sunday. Since Sunday is Sunday there's a medium chance I'll celebrate it at my house on Saturday. In preparation, Andy was practicing his arts and crafts skills and ended up with coloring on his hands that could not be removed before his mom came home. She'll still pretend to be surprised. The real reason I'm writing this post so early is because it needs a chance to go viral before Mother's Day.

Here's a song for Mother's Day and some things I learned from my mom

1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."

2. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...
"Answer me when I talk to you!...Don't talk back to me!"

3. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." (I never did)

4. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were raised in a barn?"

5. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

Thanks Mom, slightly more than half of everything I am is thanks to you. Happy Mother's Day

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Thinking I'm not the Levite

2011-04-28T14:44:00.001-07:00

People have been complaining about my blog (ironic right) that it is all silly or negative. In the spirit of being not as silly, if I put up of post on a weekday it might be a "serious" one (or at least as serious as I can be).

I don't live in the Bible belt so as readers you're probably atheists if not completely satanic (even if you don't believe in hell), so I will recap the story.

Scenario: there's a guy on the side of the road who is visibly mostly dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive (although not really visibly). Then a couple people walk by one after another: a priest and a levite. Both pass by on the other side turning their heads, staring and rubber necking as long as possible. A samaritan later stops and help the slightly alive guy.

Conventional thinking is that the priest and levite are good people and should have stopped but didn't. It's also popular to think that is just evil the people who lived in Biblical times were - they did kill Jesus right?

To their defense they have some good justifications for not stopping:

If they touched the body and he was dead they would be un-clean and couldn't serve in the temple and would have to be cleansed and that is a huge hassle
Ohh, that is blood it kind of makes me sick
Are the robbers who got this guy still hanging around? I don't want to be next
I told my wife I'd be home in time for dinner and I can't be late
When the Roman police come they'll try to pin this on me
I'm not a doctor I can't really help
He's probably faking it and will jump up and attack me once I get nearby (like the guy in Wait Until Dark)
I'll just tell the Roman police when I see them and let them deal with it - that's why we pay taxes right?
This is a busy road; I'm sure other people have stopped, so there's not anything else I can do that they didn't already try
They figure the guy is white (or jewish (or worse samaritan)) trash and got what was coming to him

We make the same kinds of justifications for ignoring people in need, whether it is ignoring a car crash, or ignoring the mother with 3 crying kids in the airport, we just don't want to get "involved". Face it, you're the levite, not the samaritan. We all are.

This idea is DOA

2011-04-25T10:35:00.001-07:00

Cause of Death

Death is mostly inevitable. I say mostly because there are some mythical and mystical people who didn't die and they shouldn't be left out. So you're going to die. I am going to die. What will kill us?

As I can tell there are 5 causes of death:
1. Trauma (gunshot, car crash, workplace accident)
2. Infection (MRSA, SARS, tonsillitis)
3. Cancer (brain cancer, lung cancer, cancer of the wrist)
4. Deprivation (no food, water, sleep, sex?)
5. Organ Failure (stroke, heart disease, triple kidney failure)

For a while the news media has been making a big deal out of the rates of people dying from heart disease. Everyone is clamoring how it is because we are eating badly and not exercising. I don't agree with that. While diet and exercise may contribute to organ failure, I think the real reason is much simpler.

PEOPLE HAVE TO DIE FROM SOMETHING.

Every person we save from a car crash death with higher safety standards, that person has to die another way.

Every person whose infection is cured with a new medicine has to die from something else.

Every person who doesn't starve to death has to die from something else.

Every person whose cancer goes into remission has to die from something else.

Eventually, our bodies will give out and something will cause death. Each advance in technology just shuffles around how we eventually die.

Remember to eat well, stay fit and die anyway.

Church Choirs

2011-04-08T12:48:00.000-07:00

I love to hear good music at church and have even been known to sing in groups ranging from size 1-100. Here are some patterns I've seen a lot of lay choirs follow:

Bribe People to Come to Practice
There are a couple forms this generally takes: cookies or donuts. Which I prefer depends on the time of the day. Also freshness and quality matter.

Directors Love the Power Key Change
Don't know what the Power Key Change is? The song will suddenly shift a half step or so higher in pitch to a different key for much more dramatic effect. The Power Key Change happens when the director wants to really let you know that "Yes, we are really praising the Holy God, Mighty and Powerful". I guess the intent is to mirror His power by kicking the entire worship service up a notch (Yes, like Emeril. You just know the director is thinking "BAM!" in his head every time the key change happens).

Tenors Hate the Power Key Change
I've only met a few true tenors in lay choirs. Most 'tenors' aren't more than baritones who can sing harmony. Sheet music that directors like is written for true tenors. When the notes are already bordering on painful and then a power key change happens, I've seen a few 'tenors' collapse in agony.

Singing a Verse A Capella
Like the Power Key Change, singing a capella raises praise level (but without alienating your tenors). It can be a great ego boost for the choir - "Look how good we are, we don't even need a keyboard or organ cover our mistakes".

Singing in Unison
Choirs sing in unison to either show how unified in God they are, or because they really really really struggle being in harmony. Its either great or hurts. There is no middle ground.

Asking the Congregation to Join for a Verse
Most of the time it turns out awkward. They're never really sure when to join. What way does the director face? Does he look at the choir who is singing extra hard notes or the congregation who sing on autopilot?

What does you choir do?

Making Friends

2011-03-28T17:34:00.000-07:00

I interact with a lot of people on a regular basis. Sometimes I wonder if that person is my friend or if they are just pretending. It can be hard to tell sometimes if someone is polite or if they actually likes you. So without further delay here are some criteria to evaluate if they are actually your friend:

(Note: if applying this to a long-distance friendship, multiple by 10)

Think about someone and tally the points:

+2 : Remembers your name
-1 : But asks where you work each time you talk

+3 : Hosted you in their house
+4 : Came to your house
-5 : Only to share a spiritual message

+5 : You ask them a favor
+3 : Likes to call and chat with you
-2 : Ends phone call by always asking a favor

+2 : Always talks about hanging out
-4 : But then never sets a date

+3 : Likes to hold your baby
-8 : And then corrects your parenting style

+4 : Cooks you food
-2 : And you get food poisoning

+7 : Wants to know the detail of a hard time in your life
+5 : Bonus - if you hang out more after sharing TMI

+4 : You share family traditions with them
+10 : Bonus: while at the hospital they keep that tradition alive
+8 : They model their traditions after yours

+5 : They invite you over for no reason and you do nothing but chat
-9 : With the goal of you volunteering to babysit for them

Seriously though, I think if we haven't invited each other into our respective homes and we're not willing to ask each other favors, are we really friends?

What do you think? How else can you tell if someone is a real friend and not just an acquaintance?

The Gospel of Fund Raising

2011-03-25T16:40:00.000-07:00

Caution: this may be construed as a serious post

Normally I try not to broach serious topics and even less religion on this forum. But today will be different.

Like all churches, the one I attend needs money from time to time in addition to normal tithes and offerings. Normally, this money is for a youth camp. Normally, I like to give; it makes you feel good. Let me tell you about what's going on now.

An ambitious plan was formed to send about 100 youth to a week long spiritual youth camp held during the summer at a college campus. We live in California. The campus is in Idaho. The distance alone is a challenge. Maybe not as big a challenge as the total bill, about $100,000.

To make it harder this ambitious plan wasn't to take the place of any other camps and fund raising, but to be in addition to it. So in the course of 3 months, there are 3 fund raising events: one to help the Boy Scouts go to camp, one to help fund an all girls camp, and one to fund this large combined event.

Since the beginning of the year, we have heard nearly every week announcements about fund raising. I don't mind the announcements too much because they announce all sorts of stuff and it blends in with all the other announcements.

This week was a little different though. It came up in the sermon. I take the sermons seriously. They are an opportunity to be instructed on the Word. We should hear and try to apply counsel from the sermons to our lives. This sermon had counsel I can't in good faith follow.

We were instructed that this ambitious camp is so good for the youth that we should sacrifice deeply to help them go. We should give what money we can. We should sell or auction some good or service. And if we can't find money any other way, we should fast and give the money we save by fasting to the cause.

By the end of the sermon, I felt an obligation to do what I could to send them. At the same time I knew that church's own policies conflicted with the sermon. If you fast and choose to give an offering, that offering is to be set aside to feed and clothe the poor. And from the church policy book, "Contributions to fund-raising activities are voluntary. Priesthood leaders should take special care to ensure that members do not feel obligated to contribute."

I have already given some and have donated a service to auction. I stand by that commitment. But since I now have felt obligated to give more and have the means to, I cannot because the Holy Spirit doesn't use obligation; It uses generosity.

Maybe I need to change my attitude. Maybe fund raising needs to be toned down.

What do you think?

Ghosts

2011-03-22T18:07:00.000-07:00

I believe in ghosts now. Well at least least ghost writers. That is because I have become one. You can check out the latest posts that "I didn't write" at Masha Ellsworth Photography.

Bagel Diet Revisited

2011-03-09T10:47:00.000-08:00

Last year I posted my famous bagel diet and I've been asked a lot of questions about how to make it the most successful.

1. Should I have cream cheese with the bagel?
Yes, of course. If you don't include cream cheese, it will be an unbalanced load of carbs (evil by themselves right?). Caution: if you toast your bagel, three bites in the cream cheese will soften and try to run out the back of the bagel onto your lap. This is particularly hard to clean while weaving through traffic on the freeway.

2. Since it's a diet, I should use the fat free cream cheese right?
NOOOOOOOOOO!1!!!!11!!!! A little known fact about the fat free stuff is that it is the primary ingredient in rubber. Even worse is generic brand fat free 'cream' cheese - I believe it is a byproduct of rubber production.

Warning: if you use the fat free stuff, I guarantee you will fall of the diet. If you insist on super extreme dieting, the 1/3 less fat variety is quite good still.

3. Do you have any tips to help me stay on the diet longer?
Yes. My personal diet advice is available; my curent rate is $40/hour.
Since you're reading my blog, I'll give you a freebie - a sample if you will: enjoying the diet while dieting is key. So only buy the "good" cream cheese. Philadelphia is the minimum. I personally prefer a local organic cheese produced by raw food vegans whose cows are also raw food vegans.

4. How frequently should have substitute a bagel for a meal?
First, you don't have to only substitute a bagel for a meal; you can also sub it in for snacks. For optimal results, I suggest at least one bagel a day (either breakfast, 2nd breakfast or afternoon snack).

5. I tried the bagel diet and gained weight the first week. Is that normal?
As with many diet and exercise programs* it is normal for your body to go up first before going down. The key is to use this new "high" to measure how much you loose on the diet. For example, if you gain 5 pounds the first week, then in the following 2 weeks of the plan you make it back to your original weight less 2 pounds, you can claim success at having already lost 7 pounds.

*Here you may think wait am I supposed to be exercising too? No. The wording may have been confusing: a diet program and an exercise program = diet and exercise programs; as opposed to combined "diet-and-exercise" programs

Recipe of the Week:
Triple Cheesy Bagel

1 Parmesan Cheese Bagel
Nacho Cheese sauce
"Good" Cream Cheese

Toast the bagel and lather the top side with nacho sauce. Add 1/4 in layer of cream cheese to the bottom half. Combine halfs. Enjoy.

Anyone have a match?

2011-03-04T12:18:00.000-08:00

I was sitting at my desk hard at work. Then I smelt it. The source was obvious. We share a cube wall. It was so bad my head started to twirl. Do I approach him? What do I say? There's rules about a hostile work place, but what about a smelly one? What if I could get cancer from working with him?

Finally I worked up the nerve to walk over to him. When he saw me approach he had that look - knowing why I was holding my breath. I opened my mouth, nearly gagging on benzene, "Were you in a freak gasoline fight accident?"

(the hose actually just fell out of his car and soaked him in hydrocarbons)

I Swear

2011-02-22T11:52:00.000-08:00

Not by the moon and the sky and the stars. Sometimes I think about how cussing sounds and its moral implications and think why the h-e-double-hockey-sticks do I swear?

Theories:

1. Swears are 23 times more powerful when used sparingly
When I only let 3 f-bombs go a year, people pay attention, chicken little looks up, and global warming stops. The universe recognizes it's a big deal.

2. What is a swear word these days?
Do sucks, stupid, shut-up, no, or hell count as swear words? Maybe it is all context sensitive. If I say, "I don't want to go to hell!" that probably isn't swearing. But if I leave out the "I don't want to...", maybe it is. Then there are the substitutes. If you say, "oh my gosh!" is that just 1 degree of separation from blasphemy? How many degrees of separation do you need from swear words? F-bomb -> freak -> frick -> fiddlesticks - maybe the last one is acceptable? On a related note...

3. Substitute words sound stupid...I'm sorry...silly
If you want around talking about fiddlesticks and such you sounds like Ned Flanders and no one will take you seriously.

So why do you curse?

A Day to Rhyme

2011-02-14T10:02:00.000-08:00

Seven years ago my valentine made the mistake of sending me these in an email. Now every year, I have to pull them back out, well, because I think they are funny. She doesn't think they are funny anymore.

1. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

2. Thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

3. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

4. Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

5. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not

6. I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

7. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

8. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life

9. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming

10. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way

11. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell"

12. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime

Help Egypt

2011-02-02T14:25:00.000-08:00

Denial of rights isn't just a river in Egypt. Have you been watching the news and wondered what you can do to help? Even if you haven't follow my plan:

Organize demonstrations to demand an immediate increase in the thread count of our sheets
Hold candlelight vigils while singing Steve Martin's "King Tut"
Lurch around and moaning in solidarity with our mummy brothers and sisters
Sell both sides lots of guns and bombs so they can resell them to Israel and/or Palest- oh, wait never mind

Farewell to Claws

2011-01-05T22:35:00.000-08:00

I hate to broach a serious topic here but if you're looking for laughs today is not the day.

Coco's Christmas Morning vet visit revealed a heart condition. Today she couldn't beat her heart.

Some of my favorite memories are seeing her and her boy toy playing and fighting in the halls. She looked forward every day to going out and wrestling, stealing his food, or standing guard outside his door. He in turn did like wise, but was a little more picky an eater.

From one of those rolling, tumbling, high screeching nights I learned that no amount of masking tape could ever totally remove her fur from our couch. Likewise no amount of time can erase the memory of our good cat.

Coco also made sure we weren't late for work. She knew instinctively what time we had to be at work in the morning and woke us up twenty minutes before the alarm would go off.

Sometimes she was a little stand offish, but mostly she was cuddly. Last year at the vet, she wasn't being a good patient. She was labeled a risk to anything that came near her. We went in to visit her one night. They warned us not to touch her because she was biting anyone that came close. At the risk of losing a finger, I reached out my hand and before I touched her she was already purring. I hate proctologists and she could hate vets.

She was fiercely independent, but as every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.

Totem Pole

2010-12-27T11:09:00.000-08:00

As anyone can attest, I being the Man of the house am at the top of the totem pole. The wife has learned not to challenge this notion and even Andrew recognizes my position. He may cry all day long, but when I come home he is perfectly behaved and only makes cute sounds and faces.

Last week there was a challenge to the pecking order. Someone thought they could kick me out of bed.

It all started on Christmas Eve. I had received intelligence that an intruder was planning on entering my house via the roof to eat the Peppermint JoJo's (best cookies ever from Trader Joes) and drink the milk my wife had thoughtfully put out for me as a midnight snack by the fireplace. After standing guard (watching a Mythbusters marathon) for a number of hours, I was confident I had dissuaded the intruder and went off to bed.

Being 4 am, I was about to settle down for a long winter's nap.

When from under by bum there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Now what did I see there lying weak on the bed?
A precocious lil' cat now nearly dead.

Foaming and moaning passing through her fat lip,
I noticed she was limping where she had a bad hip.
After a short car ride to see the night vet,
She was pronounced OK so no need to fret.

Now driving home, I needed to eat.
Oh where would I find a Christmas Morn' treat?
The Happiest of Donuts beamed a bright neon light!
Merry Christmas to me - whew, what a night...

Since then Coco has decided not to further challenge my position on the totem pole. Although she may still think of Masha as her personal on demand chef.

Don't Ask

2010-12-22T10:46:00.000-08:00

Today, Don't Ask Don't Tell was lifted. It all started as a compromise when Clinton realized he couldn't keep his promise to complete lift the ban on homosexuals in the military. So instead he promoted legislation to "allow gay people to serve in the military as long as they told their colleagues that the ripped, topless fireman that they had in their foot locker was cousin Rico." (Jon Stewart)

There is still a waiting period while each branch of the military gets ready. The Marine Corps' Commandant has expressed some concern suggesting that "allowing gay soldiers on the battlefield would pose a distraction. Especially the really hot ones." (Conan O'Brian)

Long gone may be the easy military jokes...Earlier this year the Obama Administration announced the long-waited strategy for Afghanistan. It was called the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell". You didn't ask about the strategy and they wouldn't tell you what the strategy was.

Finally a musical tribute to the late policy.

Standing

2010-12-14T16:58:00.001-08:00

Last week, I listened to a legal appeal. One of the questions that was raised was standing: if the people appealing had the right to appeal. Traditionally, a person must be 'harmed' in some way to have standing to appeal.

In this case since the question before the court was a ballot proposition that passed; it is generally viewed that the State itself could be harmed and therefore State officers have standing to appeal.

Those against the appeal argued that only the State officers could appeal (supporters of the proposition could not). This view has been upheld by various courts. On this proposition, the governor and attorney general refused to appeal.

Here's what I don't get: the proposition system is designed to be an end-run around the governor. Nearly all propositions could be challenged in court. If only his administration can defend and appeal a proposition, then by failing to do so (or do so well), he could in effect veto or quash the proposition.

Doesn't that defeat the purpose of ballot propositions?

PS - I delete comments that are specific to certain propositions.

What I learned at Church

2010-12-13T12:02:00.000-08:00

Oh the days when a screaming child was a "Getting Out of Church" free card. Now the invention of super sound dampening polymers has allowed the creation of the cry room. This room is populated with infants who won't sleep, eat or listen to reason, also Calvinist toddlers who ardently disagree with the free will message of the speaker, and finally parents looking for noise canceling headphones.

Things you might not have know about the cry room:

No matter how much your pew wants to, they can't vote people into cry room. Exceptions can be made after the offender has thrown 3 hymn books, hitting at least two old ladies (not the ones that like toddlers), and at least one requires stitches.
You can't complain about bad behavior there. That is the reason you went there remember. Just keep an eye out for that 3 year old who likes to head you butt anyone who is standing up.

For all the dads I have one last piece of advice, don't ever confuse the crying room with the nursing room. Although babies also cry there, mixing them up could cause an epic fail.

Major Milestone

2010-10-26T10:05:00.000-07:00

Sorry for not posting as often as I should (thrice daily), but I have been super busy. Having a new baby in the house reminded me of Jesus' teaching to be like the little ones. Consequently, I have come to love nap time (at least 4 a day) and my milk consumption has sky rocketed.

Sorry about the fluff. I know you came to see what the major milestone is. It actually happened last week, but again I just haven't had the waking moments to post it.

Without further a do....

I am back to my pre-baby weight!!!!

I don't seem to find the before and after shots, but trust me the transformation was amazing-just imagine a washboard with 2 machine guns attached to either side and that's my upper body.

And for those who think I should include a cute baby picture, I'll a post couple.

Happy after taking a shower

Coco enjoying, umm tolerating sharing us and the bed with Andy.

New Blog Title

2010-10-13T15:44:00.000-07:00

Now that I have a kid, it is inevitable that this will turn into a parenting blog. The only discussion will be types of wipes, swaddling techniques and how to make people around you feel uncomfortable by breastfeeding (it's my right under California law).

In that vein, my blog would need a new title. Here are some I came up with. Let me know what else would work!

CMA's (Chris, Masha, Andy)
He's Yours, Mine and Ours
Seriously Hella Blessed
Love and a Load of Dirty Diapers
Handling Sleep Deprivation 101
Living with Infants
Hold, Drop, Scream, Run-A-Way: A Guide To Calming a Baby
Lessons Learned Laundering
Latching On: A Photo Journal of Breastfeeding
I Can Breastfeed Too
Daytime Soaps: How TV Drove Me Crazy
Play-dates: Any Excuse to See Another Adult
Nipple Confusion: My Adventures Preparing a Bottle

Choices

2010-09-29T16:49:00.000-07:00

People are free to make their own choices and generally those choices are the ones you don't agree with. By talking with people this seems universally true of politicians, 'friends', and teenagers.

Being a new parent, I was prepared for this. I had heard tale of terrible life choices kids have made and how parents inevitably question their parenting: should I have sent him to baseball camp instead greco-roman wrestling camp? My only surprise is that no sooner than Andy ran out of the womb has he also jumped from the nest.

Let me explain...

This morning Andy told us he was feeling a little yellow (I keep telling him you feel 'blue' when you're sad but he seems a little slow to catch on). To brighten his mood, he wanted to go tanning. I understand going to beach, but this kid's too lazy to do that he was all like, "bring to beach to me!" So the nurse did.

I see this starting a slippery slope. Soon enough the tanning salon won't be enough for him and he'll start using the cream. I hope he sees where this course is taking him and correct it before he degrades into a schmuck with perfect hair.

Andy's Birth Story

2010-09-24T18:03:00.000-07:00

Looking back over the events of the last few days, I realized I wanted to record the details before I soon forgot them (or got too tired to care).

It all started Tuesday. I got to work and things seemed to feel differently. I couldn't concentrate on work and all my thoughts were focused on one thing. Leaving work I made a V line to Target to buy the things I had thought of all day. In all I dropped all my spending money there, but there came immense satisfaction. I got home and unpacked and I just felt that everything was right. Looking back I know I must have been "nesting" because why else would I buy a Wii on a complete impulse?

Naturally, I got the classic white console. But to change things up a bit, the extra controller I got in black. Masha and I spent the evening relaxing playing tennis. She let me win each round that we played while saying something about cramps and how she good it was to lay in bed and was glad to humor me. She is the most supportive wife.

After watching the Glee, we (I) fell instantly asleep. We woke up at around 3am and the doctor said it was time to go to the hospital and that we needed to be monitored. We got to the hospital where they love to help you with everything. They always ensure that no one dies from neglect, but they might kill you with kindness.

They (the security) kept an eye on me and monitored my movements and made sure the baby and me were safe. The day was mostly uneventful: just monitoring the bleeding. As the evening drew near, things settled down and I dozed off for a few hours of sleep. At 3:30am, I awoke and instantly knew in my gut that Andy was going to be born soon! As it turned out Masha had been yelling my name and the nurse had been trying me up for a few minutes. There had been a gush of blood (I picked the right side of the room to sleep on thank goodness).

With in a few minutes they had me scrubbed in and into the OR and sure enough under all those sheets was Masha. You all know that I love watching surgery, but for some odd reason Masha asked me not to go into details about how #$%$# splattered %$ this and #$@ there and BIG was #$# %^$^$$%. I was impressed with the doctor's precision and in minutes they had Andy out. They later told me speed and precision were the point of an emergency c-section. He let out a quick yell then settled down. Officially he took his first breath on September 23, 2010 at 4:34am.

After that it was all a blur to me. They've taken good care of me here at the hospital. They showed me which fridges I can raid and made sure to give Masha a full dinner even when wasn't allowed to eat (the chicken was pretty good - moist not dry which is impressive for hospital food). It seems they have the policy to fatten babies as well as parents. I imagine the food is so impressive here because they have to compete with Whole Foods across the street (or being in Berkeley they could be buying from there?).

Masha and I did have some division in the birthing process. She decided she wanted an epi and I opted to go natural. I'm so glad I was able to experience everything with a clear mind; that my legs weren't numb and I was able to walk around - I think it really helped the birthing process progress. I was really impressed with myself that at no time did I even think to beg the surgeon for something to take the edge off. Maybe I'm becoming a Berkeley hippie, but I fully recommend to all expectant-s, natural birth is the way to go.

Wow, that turned out a little longer than I thought it would, but since this is my online journal that I only share with my E-BFFs, I thought you would tolerate it.

That's Mine

2010-09-23T06:19:00.001-07:00

Yours wasn't as cute as mine is.

For all those that want stats: born early this morning at 5 lbs even and 18 inches tall. Yes he is tall, not long. Andy and Masha are doing well.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.5.9

Blogging On The Honor System

2010-09-15T11:20:00.001-07:00

If you're reading this now, you know you love this blog. Only the most dedicated readers stay tuned for these bits. The one who only like it browse away or go back to work. You are the reader we've been talking to for the past week.

I think all of us are looking for something that just gets to us. When we find it, it's unusual and hard to find. And if this blog and the articles here get to you, you have to think, what are you willing to do for the things you like?

In a generation of blogging where blogs are cutting their writers, letting comments be filtered by computers, if this style of blogging is the kind you like; if you don't want your blogging over-hyped, with way too much sex appeal, with banner ads pop ups and paid video ads, show your support now.

I know these aren't exactly easy times. I have a couple of friends who lost their jobs just last week (something about surfing the... I don't remember). So this is for those who haven't lost their jobs. You can help support those who rely on this blog, but have lost their jobs and normally would support the blog by making an extra pledge of support.

How do you know that you should pledge? Do you have this blog bookmarked? Do you find yourself checking it daily (even though it updated at most weekly)? Do you find yourself sending links of it to your friends to share? Then this is your blog. Your community supported Chris Complains.

I know that the readers of this blog become accustomed to the high quality writing. Quality that doesn't appear on many other blogs: the in depth coverage of vegetables and mountains. Remember your pledge equals a vote for blog quality. In a world where most blogs are ranting and raving, you have the opportunity to invest in a blog that fully investigates and sheds light on difficult topics that mainstream blogs are afraid to explore.

During this short break, we also have a speed dial gift: the Emergency Hand Crank Blog Reader. To get the Emergency Hand Crank Blog Reader, all you need to pledge is $12 a month. With your $12 a month pledge you will get a tote bag, a window sticker, and the Emergency Hand Crank Blog Reader, a $250 value. If that kind of deal can't turn a reader into a reader-supporter, I don't know what will.

Remember this is blogging on the honor system. You've been reading daily for years, now it's your turn pay.

Cereal Killer Bars

2010-08-30T11:34:00.000-07:00

Nothing creates more left over stale food than people coming to visit. And nothing is more infuriating than left overs that go bad. After a recent visit, I was left with a half box of half stale Rice Chex. I knew if I choose the wrong ingredients or the wrong proportions I would butcher the half dead chex. I knew if they didn't absorb some liquid they wouldn't be the bomb. Instead they'd bomb.

Last week, I presented Vicious Killer Brownies. Today, I give you Cereal Killer Bars.

Cereal Killer Bars

1 cup Sugar
1 cup Light Corn Syrup (light so it's healthier?)
1 cup Chunky Peanut Butter
5 cups half stale Rice Chex

12 oz Semi Sweet Chocolate
1/2 cup Chunky Peanut Butter

Stir the sugar and syrup over medium heat until it's boiling as high as your rage. Remove it from the cruel flame and add the peanut butter stirring to create a tar like mixture. Mix in the chex ensuring that every inch of its skins gets the sticky hot touch of the peanut tar. Press gently, nay SMASH mixture into a well lubed 9x9 pan.

As if the poor chex haven't been mistreated enough, melt chocolate and peanut butter together drown the tarred chex in the brown river. Wait until the chocolate cement has cured, then take out your favorite cleaver and chop it into unrecognizable bits. Yield depends on how fast your anger subsides when using your knife.

Credit Masha Ellsworth Photography for the photo.

Hipsters

2010-08-26T10:52:00.000-07:00

Around the Bay Area there are a lot hipsters. They are invading other parts of the country as well. They have been known to inhabit New York, Seattle, Portland... They thrive in an environment where there is an abundance of over priced coffee (although they only frequent the boutique coffee shops). Have you caught the bug? Do your pants seem a little snugger in the ankles than they should? Below is a guide that might tell you if you are a hipster. Feel free to add any I missed in the comments!

You might be a hipster if...

you don't watch movies; you watch films.
you came, you saw, you wrote a blog.
you thought a band was better before they released music.
you set your digital camera to blank and white mode because you were creating art.
you think, "87 degrees? Let me get my scarf."
you went thrift shopping, and bought your old clothes.
when Steve Jobs retires, you'll kill yourself.

Vicious Killer Brownies

2010-08-23T11:27:00.000-07:00

Every since I read Heather's entry about brownies, I've been needing me some. Reading that post awakened a dark urge inside me. It haunted me; it chased me; it slammed me into submission. I eventually had to give into the dark side, {clear throat} the dark side of chocolate that is.

Wanting, no needing to give in and gorge on chocolate, I had a problem: having been on vacation and not having shopped in over a month, I had no flour, sugar, brown sugar, butter, or chocolate. Not having any of the key ingredients to satisfy the demands of my soul, I tuned to Sandra Lee on the Food Network. If anyone could save me, it would be drunk Aunt Sandy and her semi-homemade doctrine.

Unfortunately, she couldn't muster the power to save me that afternoon, so I switched to Robin Miller (actually the programming changed after 30 minutes) because I needed a Quick Fix and I needed it fast. She 'made' a salad that inspired me. The quickness. The fixness. I almost couldn't believe the recipe (I can't believe it's actually a recipe?).

Now I knew what I had to do. I stormed my kitchen, throwing aside anything that stood in my way. Parting the cupboard doors asunder, I found what I needed. I rushed to the ridge (I turned around). Threw open the door, grabbed only the freshest ingredient harvested earlier that day from my garde n.

Here is what I made:

Vicious Killer Brownies

1 box of brownie mix
1 zuchini

Follow instructions on back of box. After mixing, grate about 1 cup of fresh, organic zuchini into batter. Continue instructions.

Faster than Rachel Ray could make a 30 minute meal, I had my batch of chocolate crack. I was calmed. The dark side soothed my nerves, at least for a while.

Photo Credit Masha Ellsworth Photography.

Wonderland Trail

2010-08-17T21:04:00.000-07:00

So last week I hiked the Wonderland Trail - a 93 mile loop around Mt Rainier. With side trips, I totaled out at almost exactly 100 miles. For those curious this is the summary of the where I hiked.

Entered and Exited at Box Canyon
Thursday: Box Canyon to Longmire (14 miles)
Friday: Longmire to South Puyallup River (12 miles)
Saturday: South Puyallup River to Golden Lakes (13 miles)
Sunday: Golden Lakes to Mowich Lake (10 miles)
Monday: Mowich Lake to Mystic Lake (12 miles)
Tuesday: Mystic Lake to White River (14 miles)
Wednesday: White River to Box Canyon (18 miles)

The weather the first two days was clear and sunny. Then there were 3 days of mist and clouds. With the visibility often down to 50 ft. The last day was clear and hot.

Other highlights: running into mountain goats (a few yards away), watching a large chunk fall off the Carbon Glacier, seeing bear cubs play in the meadow next to their mum.

Attached is my gear list. I would consider this a medium weight pack; it was a touch below average on the trail (according to my polling).

It was a great hike. Again I found that I'd rather go up hill than down (there was 22000ft of measured ridges). Check out the profile map - it's intense.

The joke on the trail is that you are either going up hill or down hill; if there is a flat spot it's only because someone got tired and stood there long enough to flatten it.

I plan on doing it again in a few years. Changes for the next trip:
Lighter pack (hopefully around 20lb)
Bring Masha
Go through Spray Park (scenic route) instead of Ipsut pass.
Add one more night to break up last day

Enjoy the pictures.

From MtRainierHighlights

Going off the Grid

2010-08-03T11:44:00.001-07:00

My faithful followers, I know you're used to near daily updates, but tomorrow I'm going off the grid for a couple long weeks. I shall miss you; you shall miss me. To keep you until I return here is a verse about the mountain that I'd like to dedicate to my wife.

Yonder mountain calls and my heart responds, beating, nay pounding like unto a hammer of jacks until my feet churn and burn the distance that separates us. Oh mountain, thou knowest that thou art only a weekend fling, that while I walk your cold steep crests my heart will return to yearn for my native land, for showers, fast food and a warm bed. Know thou oh mountain, that whilst I return to my native suburbia my heart will again pine to be near unto thee, to climb thy jagged boulders, and to drink thy sweet spring water. But woe, for we shall be parted until the time when again vacation hath accrued.

Organic and Sustainable

2010-07-30T16:04:00.000-07:00

Followers of my blog will know that I am into healthy food. Living in the Bay Area, part of healthy means eating organically and sustainably grown foods. Masha and I have started our own organic and sustainable garden, well because we can.

Now as most people have to buy their produce at the supermarket, they don't buy organic and sustainably grown foods because they cost too much. This is where having your own garden is great. I'll address organic and sustainable separately.

Organic: we threw some seeds into the ground, give them a little water, but really I don't care about the garden enough to spend ANY money on chemicals.

Sustainable: there is nothing more sustainable than plants that keep growing even when you wish they wouldn't. Take for example, the cilantro which we've pulled out a number of times this year already. I'm afraid of how far the zucchini will spread next year. The other aspect of sustainability is the personal effort it takes to sustain the garden. Let's just say I spend more time brushing my teeth than tending the garden. So it's self-sustaining.

In the end, I eat fresh, local, organic and sustainable vegetables not because it makes me superior to you (I already was), but because I'm too lazy to optimize my crop.

Suspect Class

2010-07-21T12:21:00.001-07:00

In the US we have had a tradition of protecting minorities that can't protect themselves. Minorities that can protect themselves, we nail to the wall by populist/socialist votes and make them feel bad for trying to protect their own interests.

Groups that have been protected minorities include women (sometimes a defenseless majority?), old people, people of crazy cults, people of any number of races (as long as they're here legally!), and other groups. Legally these groups are called 'suspect classes'.

I'd like to propose a new defenseless suspect class. 1 out of every 100 people in the US fall into this category and the other 99 are severely punishing them for being a member of this class. Now mind you, most of the members of this don't choose to be there - they are forced into it by 'no fault of their own'. People take their stuff and shove them to a dark hole and the government takes half of what they have.

Who are these people? They must be super scum for people to have half their property confiscated by the government. You may have guessed it by now, but this group of people are dead people (died this year).

They have no means to defend themselves. In their final year, they get 55% of what they own taken by the government in addition to their normal tax rate. Singling out this group is just wrong. They can't even properly petition their representatives in government.

I think we should help our dearly departed fight this. Since they aren't too busy and don't have anything to do, I propose a million man march to Washington. Instead of sitting in, they can 'lay in' at the Washington Memorial. Congress may not be able to hear them, but will soon smell the stink of their own policies.

Elder abuse is bad. Abusing the dead is despicable. Repeal the Estate Tax.

Premature Delivery

2010-07-12T15:16:00.000-07:00

I'm still catching my breath and catching up on sleep from the incredible weekend we just had. FYI there might be TMI in this post, read at your own risk.

Since I was expecting the little bundle of joy this week, I thought Friday I'd take one last chance to be spontaneous. So I took the afternoon off and hung out at Motorama. That could be an entirely different post (so many cool cars).

I don't know if it was all the walking around, the spicy jerk chicken, or maybe the all you can eat ice cream, but by the late afternoon, I knew it was coming and was coming soon.

Masha and I had decided that we'd do a home delivery ALL BY OURSELVES without the help of any experts or anyone. My grandma had home deliveries and people have been doing it for ages so I figured we could as well. It might take a little longer, but what's meant to happen will surely happen I thought.

I got home just in time. My breathing was, well, labored. I made my way to the living room, pushed everything off the desk and spread out the tools and delivery materials: I had my scalpel, electro-charger, some newspapers to protect the desk, and a garbage can to put the 'garbage' in.

As it started getting nearer and nearer, I realized that pushing and pulling wasn't going to get this out and in the open, so I drew out my scalpel. A small little incision made the biggest difference and the little bundle of joy was out in no time.

Seeing its face, a smile shown on mine. I gave it a little nudge. It didn't make a noise or do anything. I started to panic! Was home delivery the best option? Should I have been near a doctor or technician?

I felt no pulse. What could I do? I pulled out the micro usb paddle and starting charging. When it showed ready, I yelled, "Clear!". I pushed the button. It came slowly, beating, fighting its way to life. Soon after we started bonding. It asked me questions (like do I have a facebook account) and to show my affection back, I let my fingers glide across its smooth face, pushing the small baby buttons on the top and side, giving it all the loving attention it deserves.

People say that babies don't come with manuals. Well this one did, but too late. I found it after birth. If I had only read it before delivery, there wouldn't have been nearly as many surprises. I would have known what to expect while I was expecting.

Picking a name was hard. After much thought I decided to name it after one of my favorite cycling teams in the Tour de France (go Marc Cavendish), HTC-Columbia. For a middle name I wanted it to be something descriptive so I picked Incredible.

Join me in welcoming HTC Incredible Ellsworth to our family.

Stage 6 Results

2010-07-09T12:10:00.000-07:00

Nothing is more dramatic than reality (except reality tv). That's why I woke up early this morning to cycle with Lance and Levi from Montargis to Gueugnon. I stayed right on the wheel of Cavendish up until 200m before the line, just following the HTC Columbia leadout train. I cramped just a bit at the end and that gave Marc the chance to shake me off his tail and get the stage win. I'm not trying to make excuses; he got the best of me and deserved the win. I'm determined though that he won't beat me on the Champs-Élysées.

I'm starting to get worried how I'll do when I head into the Pyrenees then the Alps.

Keep an eye out for me. I'm riding with Team StoneHouse Olive Oil.

Mt Shasta Trip Report - Warning No Complaints

2010-07-05T21:19:00.000-07:00

Mt Shasta via Avalanche Gulch

Masha and I left El Sobrante around 9am on Friday morning and made the drive up Mt Shasta. We left Bunny Flats (7000 ft elevation) around 2pm. The snow started about a quarter mile from the trail head. It was good and slushy so we put on snowshoes so we wouldn't slip as much. The hike up to horse camp from pretty simple although it was pretty hot. We took our time since Masha didn't want to over heat or push too hard (she gets to do that in November). We got to Horse Camp (8000 ft elevation) around 3:30pm. There was still about 6 feet of snow. After setting camp and eating we were into bed around 7pm.

At midnight, I got up and started getting ready. After a fast breakfast, I left for the long climb to the summit at 12:45am. I was bummed because I had a problem with my shoes and crampons that delayed me about 15 minutes. It was pitch dark I couldn't see the moon. After climbing to 50/50 flat (9000 ft elevation), the moon came up over the ridge and it made hiking that much easier and the headlamp almost not needed.

I got up to Helen Lake (10000 ft elevation) around 3:15 am. I was really happy. I knew I needed to leave from Helen by 5am to be comfortable getting to the summit. I was proud to be the first hiker to Helen (there were some asleep still in their tents). I left Helen at 3:45 after a 2nd breakfast. I was joined by another hiker by then.

Above Helen is a really big 2000 ft face. The first section is called the Bowling Alley (rock fall vs. hikers) and the second is the Heart (your heart starts to explode). The average slope on the face is more than 45 degrees and up to 65 at times. Along the long face that has no end, I started to wonder why am I doing this? I kept going, hour after hour and my goal never seem to get much closer.

Finally I got close to the Red Banks. It was 6:30am. Looking, I saw the options were going around the end to Thumb Rock on the right of the Heart or take one of the 2 chutes to the left of the Heart. The chutes to the right of the Heart were too filled with snow and ice to be passable. At this point there were only 4 hikers in front of me: 2 had gone right and 2 to the left. I chose the left. I choose the 'fun' slash scary route as I found out.

As I approached the chute, it kept getting steeper and steeper. I saw that it was only going to get steeper. I wanted to take a different route, but descending there would have been even more dangerous than going up (most falls happen going down). I pushed on. Soon I was entering the 2nd chute from the left of the Red Banks (1200 ft elevation). The slope pushed upward. It was like a ladder, except there were no steps. I had to dig in my ice ax and crampons step by step up. After about 50 vertically fatiguing feet, I found a 'level' (30 degree) place to rest. I cleared the Red Banks finally at 7:30am. I rested another 30 minutes.

Approaching Misery Hill at 8am, I knew the mountain was mine. I had 3 hours before my turn around time to reach the summit, so I took my time. There wasn't much wind on Misery Hill (ofter 50mph there), so it was quite pleasant. Clearing the hill I finally got my first glimpse of the summit. With the summit in sight, my blood jumped and I took off across the summit plateau and made the last climb up to top, reaching the summit 14179 ft) at almost exactly 10am.

The weather was perfect, no harsh wind, so I took a long deserved 60 minute rest at the top. Leaving at 11am, I got back to the Red Banks, but this the more popular route around Thumb Rock. I tried glisading there, but couldn't control my speed (I was too tired), so I started walking down. I hoped the snow would soften, so I could glisade a little slower. It was starting to get really hot. After descending about 500 vertical ft, it was soft enough (that took 30 minutes). I started my long slide down to Helen. I was able to slide about 1200 ft almost to Helen Lake - covering that whole distance in only 15 minutes. Overall it took another hour to get to Helen.

From Helen, it took another 80 minutes of glisading and descending to get back to Horse Camp where Masha was waiting for me. Exhausted and out of water, I happily drank fresh water from the spring there and rested in the stone cabin for a really long time.

Overall my summit day started at 12:45am. I summitted at 10am, covering a climb of 6200 ft that morning and returned at 2:15pm. A total time of 11.5 hours (including 2 hours of breaks). After getting back the car, we headed into the city for a well deserved meal at the Black Bear Dinner. I helped myself to the Hungry Bear Chicken Fried Steak which of course isn't served on a plate, but on a platter. I gulped it down and was almost ready for more, but decided against it (that platter was 2700 calories).

With Mt Shasta behind me, I was ready for a relaxing weekend at Castle Crags State Park.

Ultrasound

2010-06-28T10:06:00.000-07:00

I've been expecting for what seems like a long time now if not an eternity. Got a peek at what's heading my way. The clear simple lines and rectangle shape. I didn't think it was possible but I already feel a connection with it (bluetooth or wifi? not really sure). Maybe it's because it's Good, Groovy and Great or as I like to call them the 3 G's.

There's not I can say except that this is simply Incredible!

Expecting

2010-06-22T10:56:00.000-07:00

There is nothing worse than expecting, waiting. The tension builds daily. The days go by. I am left hoping for a joyful arrival, a safe delivery.

For those of you in blogosphere who haven't heard yet, around July 13th a little bundle of joy should be arriving at my house.

We know this will be a life changing event from the way we drive, the way we go shopping, the entertainment we enjoy. Ah, the joy we will as we navigate thru our life; taking pictures to capture the memories of each special day; watching movies together; the list of things we'll do together over the coming years goes on and on.

I am getting excited just writing about it. I can't wait for my HTC Incredible to arrive. (frown on the 3 week back order)

My Culinary Perspective

2010-06-15T10:09:00.000-07:00

Last night I watched the Next Food Network Star (slash train wreck) on my DVR. Doreen who thankfully got eliminated had the worse culinary perspective possible. In fact, it was so bad and jumbled that all I can remember is that she wanted to make food that "people could appreciate". What does that mean? Who knows.

That got me thinking that if she could make it onto the show, then maybe I should try for next year's competition. I could even win if I had a killer culinary perspective. They are always talking about having a good culinary perspective.

After much thought (about 2 minutes) and analyzing how I cook, I realized I do have a very clear culinary perspective and it is not represented on the Food Network, at all.

Here's my pitch, and I'm serious, I think this is my perspective. Let me know if you think I could win Next Food Network Star.

I love cooking meals with the freshest ingredients, baking with good vanilla, and plating food on really large white dishes. Unfortunately, most of my food has been frozen longer than I can remember, my pantry is near empty, I am hungry now, and my dishes are neon colored plastics. My quest is to create something good from the never ending dregs of my kitchen and to rescue the freezer burnt what kind meat is that.

If you see me next year, please vote for me. (too bad viewers' votes don't count)

Sneakily Delicious

2010-06-01T12:04:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, we had some friends over for an evening BBQ an movie. This must have been the best BBQ ever. First, we were cooking the 24oz porterhouses we saw the day before on Good Eats. 2nd, we were grilling on natural pear coal cut from the tree in my backyard. 3rd they were cooked and seasoned perfectly.

While building the fire to burn the wood to coal, I realized we had already tossed out the newspaper. I needed to find another source of paper to start the wood. Sacrifice brings blessing right? So I decided to sacrifice page 147 in my 'favorite' cookbook (see last w eek's post). It only took a handful of pages to light the fire but I threw on some extras just in case. I wonder how it will take the wife to notice the missing pages.

In the end, I found that a useless cookbook could be useful. It's got at least 10 more BBQs left in it.

Oh and the cupcakes Ja-nne brought were the best.

Unvegans Beware

2010-05-24T17:46:00.000-07:00

Vegetables and me don't get along. I've never hidden this fact except to be polite to people who don't understand my dietary choices.

Consequently there aren't too many cookbooks that really interest me except the ones that handle unvegan topics like grilling, beef and meat by the truck load.

My wife on the other hand loves cook books of any variety if they have good pictures without considering what they are making. Most of these books I don't pay attention to. They have their own bookshelf and left alone on the shelf can't do any harm.

This last weekend while I was watching the Tour of California, my wife decided to cook some food for the week. She doesn't share my diet, but has respected it, so it didn't surprise me to smell the repugnant aroma of steamed carrots and other hideous legumes wafting from our kitchen. She was just making something for herself I told myself. Then I smelt the sloppy joes. Nothing is as good as meat in sauce poured over bread. Finger licking goodness. I went into the kitchen to give it a try (during a commercial of course).

That was the instant I lost all trust in my wife. I saw her dumping some orange puree into the sloppy joes. She tried to deny it. I knew she was dump carrot puree into my food.

It seems like I don't even know her anymore. I searched for how she got such a disloyal idea: who pushed her to infidelity? The answer was on the counter: Deceptively Delicious by Jessica Seinfeld. I should have paid attention to the other warning sign cookbooks she has on her shelf: "Wok to eat vegetables", "Stir fry for dummies", "A Vegetable for all Seasons".

I'm not sure what I'm going to do now. I don't know if I'll ever be able to share a meal with her again without thinking of the times she did the nasty vegetable deceit.

So all unvegans, you are warned be on the watch out for Deceptively Delicious, or you like me might never be able to enjoy another sloppy joe without a tear coming to your eye.

Tuesday Night Bread

2010-05-19T10:23:00.000-07:00

As is customary on Tuesday nights, I went to make some fresh bread. Without fresh bread on Tuesday nights I feel so LOST. First I pulled out the bread maker. Its an old weird model we got off craigslist. I swear whenever I take it out I hear whispering sounds rush throughout my kitchen.

We had decided on our favorite cheddar bacon bread. Here's the recipe:

4 - t yeast
8 - fl. ounces warm water
15 - slices cheddar cheese
16 - ounces (by weight) flour
23 - slices of bacon
42 - t sugar/salt

I went to start frying the bacon and it was all black and molding. Some black monster must have snuck in destroyed it. I couldn't bring myself to make some other kind of bread so I went to Little Ceaser's to buy some instead (on Apian Way for those interested).

Upon entering I was greeted by the cashier Juliet. As I was looking at the menu, I had to move out of the way so some bald guy in a wheel chair picked up his order. I decided on the Zesty Jalapeno Bread. She told me it would be a 5 minute wait to make. I took a seat outside to wait.

After only being there about a minute, I heard an engine rev and then I saw the guy in the wheel chair go flying from in chair in front of the car (I checked today - he wasn't too badly injured but then again he was already paralyzed).

After the ambulance left, I collected my Zesty Jalapeno bread from a brunette cook who had freckles and went home, turned on the radio in my car and my favorite song happen to be on: you are everybody.

Oh the Zesty Jalapeno bread is to die for.

Chocolate Cookies

2010-05-12T10:55:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I saw a picture and a recipe of some cookies. I coveted them. Then I decided I had to have them. Instead of breaking into Heather house to steal them, I decided it would be easier if I followed her recipe exactly. By exactly, I mean making my own changes to it. I didn't actually change anything other than switching out semi-sweet chips for citrus flavored dark chocolate.

In the end, they turned out perfect. I can already feel my waistline slimming from my new cookie diet (details to come).

oh props for Masha Ellsworth Photography for providing the photos on 2 minute notice!

Jump On It

2010-05-11T08:50:00.000-07:00

As devoted reader know, I am a committed dieter (and by committed I mean I've gone on and off various diets for past last week - not the committed like my Mom thinks I should be). I think my newest diet craze might be the Heather diet - meaning I demand that Masha bake me any sweets that show up on her blog.

The fun part about having a sweet rich diet is that you are able to force it on any one else you come in contact with (Mike M for some reason you'd always turn them down :(). When we lived over on Oakland Ave, it was a favorite trick of mine to see how many homemade tortilla chips, cookies, brownies w/ mint frosting, et all, that I could get Jamie or Anne to take home.

So really I'm hoping for some chocolate chocolate chip cookies (check out the sweet and savory link). Hint, hint wifey, wife. I don't feel like putting a hyperlink here, so you'll actually have to look at my blog. It could turn out to be one of the best deserts I've had in a long time. And by long time I mean since Saturday when I was at the TS3 party hanging w/ Jake, Emma, among others.

I remember one of the worst deserts I've had. I was at Erica's house for Thanksgiving and Anna was there w/ her former boy-toy (his name starts w/ 'D'). They tried to make a pecan pie. They didn't mix it well enough - they were too interested in each other. It turned out more like a pecan quiche with chunks of egg in it.

Now for bonus points, maybe even you Luanne can figure this out, why is my post titled, "Jump On It"?

Bad Diet Day...

2010-05-07T10:35:00.000-07:00

Since this is my journal and I tell my journal everything. I have to admit that yesterday I got lazy and fell off my diet bandwagon. I slept in until 7:20am (I know...sigh) then in my rush I didn't eat my bagel. I got into work and my stomach was going crazy and I totally couldn't wait until lunch, so I committed dieting sin.

I went to the break room cabinet and pulled out a bowl and cereal. I GORGED myself 2/3c of multi-grain Cherios, with a 1/2c skim milk. I instantly regretted it.

Luckily today I woke up on time and squeezed in a triple workout at the gym (and ate a bagel of course). Hopefully my waistline will forgive me for messing up yesterday. After all I need to make sure I fit into tux for the party on Saturday.

Bagel Diet

2010-05-04T12:22:00.000-07:00

Anyone who knows me knows that I am into weight loss. I just go about it in unconventional ways. Over the last two years I've dropped over 20 el-bees - that pounds for you folks not in the know.

How do I do it you may ask?

Well first off, I don't count calories, carbs, toes or really anything. I eat. A happy (not complaining?) Chris is weight losing Chris.

The next thing I do is eat whatever I want. This has varying levels of success. My french fry and onion ring diet didn't go so well, but the bread and water one seemed to slim me down right away.

After eating whatever I want, I exercise as much as I want. Sometimes this is not at all, so don't get down on yourself.

Finally, I switch up what food I am eating to "keep my body guessing". The premise here that if your body doesn't know when it will get its next vegetable it will actually consume the vegetables when you eat them (this is important since vegetables are sparse where I shop for food).

So you all can follow my example, I thought I'd let you know that my current diet is the bagel diet. Since diets are hard to stick to, I don't plan on holding this very long. I also only hold it from 3am to 11:38am Monday-Friday. After that the diet is off. During the diet, I only eat a bagel with cream cheese. Remember, I don't count carbs or calories (or sodium on the salt bagel), so it doesn't matter how much cream cheese or how big the bagel is.

Give my diet a try. Let me know about the results. Do you have any strange diets?

General Petraeus on BYU grads

2010-04-01T09:46:00.000-07:00

Last week Gen. David Petraeus of the US Central Command spoke at BYU and gave his reasons why BYU grads make good soldiers:

10 — They have already been on many a mission.

9 — Army chow is no problem for folks accustomed to eating green Jell-o and shredded carrots.

8 — It's not a problem if they don't know what rank someone is, they just refer to them as Brother or Sister so-and-so.

7 — They never go AWOL. They just call it being less active.

6 — They will seize any objective swiftly if you tell them refreshments will be served.

5 — They know how to make things happen. In fact if you ever need a base built quickly in a barren wasteland, stride out to where you want them to start, plant your walking stick down and say in a loud voice, "This is the place."

4 — They have innovative ideas for handling insurgents — like assigning them home teachers.

3 — They always have a years' supply of provisions on hand.

2 — They are the world's most reliable designated drivers.

1 — They understand how far Iraq has come over the last seven years, and they think that Iraq's old spot in the "Axis of Evil" can now be filled by the University of Utah.

Every Mornin' Find Me Moanin'

2010-03-30T09:31:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I forgot my lunch again. For some reason I can't seem to get it out of fridge. I decided to head down to McDonald's at 600 Redwood Highway Frontage Road, Mill Valley, CA where there've been some items that I've been dying to review. In a slight rush, I got my order from the attendant and sped away at the speed of limit.

I pulled up to my desk and broke open the bag savoring the sweet, meaty aroma that came there from. Then I saw it. There was a box. I didn't order any sandwich that came in a box. Whoa there's not just one box but two. The voyage from the heavenly bliss of meaty aromas to the depths of despair took only seconds.

Disappointment, disillusionment, disaster. 3 items ordered, 3 items delivered, 3 items wrong. That's 3 strikes McDonald's on RHF Rd, your out.

PS - they also put pickles on my sandwich which I expressly forbid them too (luckily, they weren't too juicy and didn't ruin the sandwich - or at least I didn't notice it while I drowned my despair in a hamburger).

Not Worth Jack

2010-03-23T14:01:00.000-07:00

Today I forgot to bring my lunch (hopefully it isn't sitting out on the counter, but it probably is), so I took this as an opportunity to try something that I haven't had before. As many of you know, I am huge into trying new foods. I especially like trying those that end in -egetable.

So while I was out running some errands on my lunch break, I rolled into the Jack-In-The-Box at 1814 2nd Street in San Rafael. Before I even rolled up I had an experience that soured my taste buds: the entrance to the parking lot was so poorly graded that not only did I scrape (which is normal), but I got a jarring bump. Here's to hoping I still have an oil pan and radiator.

After a short wait, I got the food that I ordered: 2 tacos and a Jr Bacon Cheeseburger. Let's start with the tacos. The picture of the taco looked great. The one they gave me looked like a chip folded in half. In fact, I wondered if there was actually food in it. There was a little, but pretty pitiful. The Jr Bacon Cheeseburger wasn't much better. And although it did have all the ingredients listed in its name, it didn't have any other often associated with such a full flavored burger: no lettuce, no pickle, no onion, no tomato. I almost think they are marketing this sandwich to the Unvegan.

Overall I wasn't impressed. Maybe next time I'll learn to run to Bell to get Tacos and that my best friend Wendy makes better Jr Bacon Cheeseburgers. I don't see myself going back to the Jack-In-The-Box on 2nd St anytime soon.

My New First of Many Food Reviews

2010-03-16T08:39:00.000-07:00

This last week, the wife and I signed all the documents to get a house. In fact we take possession on 3/16. So to celebrate I decided to take her out somewhere special. We hit the Ikea at 4400 Shellmound Street, in Emeryville.

We skipped past the showroom, past the marketplace, and those pesky cash registers, straight to the food just in time for a late lunch. Unfortunately for us, it looks like the real estate market must be booming because there were 20-30 other people who had the same idea in line to be seated in front of us.

When finally ask for our order, we picked a couple hot dogs (original), a non-fat frozen yogurt and a cinnamon roll. Our food was up amazingly quick for such a bustling establishment. But hey I'm not going to complain about getting my food fast when I am hungry.

We started with the frozen yogurt. It was leaning and lopsided, so negative points for presentation. Also to was kind of melted-much softer than normal for soft-serve. I think this is a bad thing. The wife on the other hand loves it that way.

The hot dogs we had with just a little bit ketchup. They were near perfect. The buns were steamed and biting into the dogs they gave a little squirt as the skin was pieced and juices released onto my tongue.

Finally the cinnamon roll. This was disappointing. The outside was overcooked and lacked the gooey-ness that I've come to expect. The sweet and buttery levels were about right, but the cinnamon level was too high. Overall a poor performance from the pastry chef.

Either way, we enjoyed the outing and will likely be going back to eat there again.

PS I heard they have a killer breakfast menu.

Another One

2010-03-09T14:40:00.001-08:00

There is Nothin' Like Ukraine

2010-03-01T15:38:00.000-08:00

Viktor Yanukovych finally takes office as President of Ukraine after winning in yet another disputed election. Five years ago, he lost to Viktor Yushchenko after an extremely close election led to runoffs, protests, allegations of fraud, and intervention by the Supreme Court. This year, Yushchenko was eliminated in the first round of voting. In the poisonous atmosphere of Ukrainian politics, he's lucky to have lived long enough to retire.

Listen: There is Nothin' Like Ukraine (There is nothin' like a dame)

from capsteps.com

Split-House

2010-02-23T09:59:00.001-08:00

Recently, it seems like sometime the House leaders have had problems getting all their troops on board to pass bills. It would seem that the bills passing the House are supported only by democrats and the opposition to the bill is, well, bi-partisan. I don't think that is what Obama had in mind when was asking for bi-partisanship.

The problem of course are those pesky Blue-Dog democrats. They just won't follow the rallying cries from Pelosi. The solution is obvious: get the Blue-Dogs in line by getting a new majority whip; his name would be Micheal Vick.

Another Silly Ad

2010-02-03T17:22:00.001-08:00

Watch the first 30 seconds then skip to about 2:30 to see where it gets ridiculous...

Attack ads

2010-01-29T16:16:00.000-08:00

Political campaigns have had attack ads for a long time. I think this one wins for painting their opponent in the worst HORROR filling light! This is a real ad.

I'm with Conan

2010-01-14T09:25:00.001-08:00

As you know there's a big roar about Leno and Conan and who will do what when ya di ya di. Its time to send NBC a clear message. Set your facebook status to TRIUMPH. Let everyone else know that you also support Conan. What's up with Leno anyways? Didn't he retire from late night shows? I guess his jokes aren't as funny at 10pm.

Again set your facebook status to TRIUMPH!

I know NBC won't see notice or even care about the this movement. If you're thinking this about Chris being able to say he started the greatest (or worst) facebook movement of all time, you're right.

Do it anyways.

A Good Give Away

2010-01-07T13:53:00.000-08:00

There's a cool give a way on Masha Ellsworth Photography's facebook group.

She's giving away a photo session or high quality prints (that's up to a $150 value).

This is an easy one, just join the group and comment on the give away post before the 13th. Oh and please spread the word :)

Cooking Blog: Pantry Cleanout Cookies

2009-12-27T14:30:00.000-08:00

I don't really dig pretzels, especially by the bag full (unless I am dipping them into ranch then that is a totally different story). So I found pretzels that had come out of food storage. What to do with them? I do know what I like so I decided to make what I like from what's just ok. You should be able switch out the pretzel for anything else really (chips, crackers, old bread).

1 Tablespoon soft butter
1/2 cup sugar
1 egg
1 cap full of vanilla (very precise measuring, but that's what we all use anyways right?)
1 1/2 cups pretzels (I had sticks)
1/4 cup + 1 tablespoon flour

Cream the butter, sugar, egg and vanilla just like any cookie recipe. Smash the pretzels so there is some flour and some small chunks (like chocolate chunk size). Add the pretzels to the mixture. Slowly add the flour until it reaches a good cookie dough consistency. The exact amount will depend on the pretzels you use. Drop onto greased cookie sheet and bake for 10 minutes at 350. Yields 1 dozen.

P.S. This is what we had for Christmas dinner...

While the wife was away...

2009-12-19T20:15:00.000-08:00

Needless to say there isn't anything I can complain about getting to wander through wilderness (really its the Mt Rose Wilderness) and enjoy the snow and birds and ...

I have figured out though that the fun part of point and shoot camera's is with the screens on the back - often you can't even see what is in the view finder. So these are truly pointing and shooting.

I guess it just goes to show how great a photographer I can be right?

Gotta start with sunrise over the Sierra Nevada's

The trees I trekked between

At some point did our paths cross?

My mode of transportation

This is the first time I saw Lake Tahoe (its not as blue as the bumper stickers says it is!)

This is from near the Nevada line looking east across Nevada

I wasn't the only animal on this mountain. I saw tons of deer, some bear, lots of bird and squirrel prints.

The obligatory self portrait in the wilderness.

Masha, you can visit your mom anytime you like!

Putting the Chris back into Christmas

2009-12-09T18:28:00.000-08:00

With the war that has been waged for many years on Christmas, it's finally time to put the "Chris" back into "Christmas" (thanks Leila for the inspiration)

Here are some tips:

Buy me presents
At least half of the ornaments on the tree should have my picture
All presents under the tree that aren't for me should be addressed from me - Chris
50%+ of the presents under the tree should be for me - I might not come and open them, but then again Elijah doesn't come most years to eat his food either
Remember to put lights on your roof spelling "Chris"
Also on sale on my website is an inflatable lawn model of me to display proudly in front of your house
Most importantly, come caroling to my apartment and bring ME figgy pudding and peanut brittle

Buy me presents

2009-12-07T15:13:00.000-08:00

I know there are people out there who want to buy me stuff for Christmas. In the spirit of repressing holiday sales numbers at local retailer, I have decided that all presents should be under $10 - unless you want to buy me a wii, then BUY all means spend more :)

In other words, buy all means use all your means to buy mean me some things.

Christmas Wishlist under $10

rubber stamp with name and address (better if it had my name and address)
set of (up to 6) dry erase markers (sharpie style tip - you know the small ones)
warm slippers
anything in the cool red boxes at target in the men's, electronics, or hardware sections
reading lamp (that clips into the book)

I could keep going, but those are just some ideas.

Dilbert Nails Business Again...

2009-11-23T15:32:00.000-08:00

Sesame Street

2009-11-17T15:44:00.001-08:00

With the 40th aniversary the other week, they decided to change things up a bit showing their age a little...

Cookie monster is now taking Lipitor
Big Bird's uses a hover-round because of bad knees
Oscar the Grouch has changed his name to Oscar the Grumpy Old Man

Curiosity killed this Cat

2009-11-11T15:21:00.000-08:00

Despair.com sends out emails that are generally funny. In the latest edition they were promoting their 2010 calendar. On it they print saying on certain dates. Of course they had to give some samples of their wit. For example:

November 28, 2002- Hasbro, maker of Monopoly, is fined over $7 million by a British consumer watchdog group for fixing toy prices and breaking competition rules.

February 4, 1912 - Austrian tailor Franz Reichelt performs the first and only test of his 'overcoat parachute' by leaping from the Eiffel Tower.

and

March 11, 2009 - AskMen.com publishes 'Top 10 Subtle Ways to Tell Her She's Getting Fat'. It recommends buying your girl too-small clothing and sabotaging her chair so it breaks when she sits in it.

Intrigued by some sick curiosity (the same one that makes you rubberneck at traffic accidents I think) I had to find out what the other top 10 were...

10. Buy her clothes that are too small
09. Sign her up for yoga under the pretense of "stress relief"
08. Set out on your own weight loss plan
07. Serve her unsatisfactory portions
06. Improve your own diet
05. Playfully grab her love handles
04. Ask her to wear an old dress (that no longer fits)
03. Sabotage her chair
02. Leave "now" and "then" photos lying around
01. Take her to places where she has to wear a swimsuit

(Disclaimer - these are not nice and should not be attempted on any one regardless of sex, age, or relationship status)

In the news...

2009-11-10T16:56:00.000-08:00

Cocoa Krispies helps prevents Swine Flu. Has mixed results with diabetes.
Men who text each other "xoxo" labeled "Metrotextuals". Still seems gay to me.
Judge went to porn shop only to buy really good chicken soup. Perfect legal precedence for any man going to get "wings" at Hooters.
More Mornging Sickness makes kids smarter. If needed induce with 20oz of Tequila three times per week for 30 weeks.

Halloween

2009-11-02T16:03:00.000-08:00

Ever wonder what crazy stuff happens at Pixar for Halloween. This video is 1 entry in the costume contest. Remember this is a costume contest...

Getting Ready for Thanksgiving

2009-11-02T10:24:00.000-08:00

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Campaign Finance

2009-10-26T17:38:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately for my sister, who's running for public office, she's recently got rid of her live stock. They could have been a great asset in terms of how to spend her campaign finance money if we learn from the example of the Boulder City Council Man's usage.

You just need to appoint your animals to be your campaign staff.

Possible positions:

Dog: barker (you know the person who attracts a crowd)
Cat: comforter (or secret eye scratching weapon to disfigure opponents)
Chickens: paid crowd hecklers
Pig: impersonator of your opponent
Cow: crowd control (by forming "land mine" ring around opponent)

Just some ideas. Just think how you could start paying kids! They are almost useful :)

The Assylum

2009-10-21T15:56:00.001-07:00

Teenagers' cerebral frontal cortex isn't fully formed until about age 25. So you have to assume they are mentally impaired--that you are dealing with mentally ill people.

Stop yelling at him

2009-10-06T12:37:00.000-07:00

Pundit are constantly yelling that Obama is a socialist, that he is changing America and soon it won't be American!

STOP YELLING ALREADY!

Before you start accusing him being a commie, check his record since taking office:

Closing Gitmo : Not Done
Out of Iraq : Last I checked we're stil there
Improvements in the war in Afghanistan : looks worse actually
Health Care Reform : Still waiting for Congress
Global Warming : Back burner to health care
Immigration Reform : I think that one is in the deep freezer
Gays in the Military : Nope
Limits on Executive Power : Still defending Bush policies in court
Torture Prosecutions : can't prosecute the past looking forward

Now he did get the Cash for Clunkers passed and it stimulated the Ecomony...

of Japan.

In summary his record shows he's done two things JACK and SQUAT so stop yelling.

(Argument based on SNL)

XKCD Today

2009-10-05T10:59:00.001-07:00

Folding..

2009-10-02T14:02:00.000-07:00

This is the real measure of how good you are at doing the laundry... Masha, Mom, Leila, Erica, and others how do you add up? (I won't consider it cheating if you practice the technique before replying!)

That Beautiful Sparkling Glow

2009-09-21T15:31:00.000-07:00

What was that beautiful sparkling glow, star gazers saw trailing behind the space shuttle discovery last week?

No the shuttle didn't have a leak. It was taking one.
On that starry starry night, pilot Kevin Ford dumped 10 days worth of astronaut urine into space.

Enough tang tinkle to fill a big dipper

It was to be sure gorgeous and only detectible by sight. Thank goodness the shuttle doesn't run on asperagus.

But why had the shuttle waited so long to relieve itself? Was it having prostate problems?

Turns out the international space station where the shuttle had been docked wouldn't allow the shuttle to use the facilities.

Still was this nessesary? Couldn't the shuttle have discretely relieved itself in a black hole? We know astronauts where diapers, why not the shuttel itself?

If nothing else this episode proves,
no matter how much you jiggle and pace,
the last few drops end up in space.

-Mo Rocca (Wait, wait...Don't Tell Me 9-19-2009 - this was the true story on the bluff the listener challenge)

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner

2009-09-21T11:11:00.000-07:00

Congratulations to Erica. She was actually pretty close to the correct answers. For her effort she will win a jar of feijoa jam. Her receipt of this prize will depend on her youngest sister actually getting married because I don't feel like mailing it.

Feel free to comment and brag to everyone how you won something on this blog!

To everyone else, you're still blog losers like me. :(

PS I updated the pictures below with the right captions.

Photo Blogs

2009-09-12T16:54:00.000-07:00

Some people say that a picture is worth a thousand words, but I don't...well maybe it is but I just want those thousand words. Ok so maybe I won't read those long posts. But just posting pictures and making everyone guess what is going on in your life is silly.

So I'll give it a try. I'm going to post 10 pictures and I'll select one of the people who comments and correctly identifies all 10 pictures and you'll win a prize (most likely just the good feeling of winning since I have never won a blog give a way - I'm not about to have one. But let's not get me started on blog give a ways that is a future post). Note these pictures were all taken in the last summer. And of course unless I am in the picture, I took the picture cause that how photo blogs work :)

1. Castle Rock, New Zealand. The jungle surrounding this rock felt like I was in the "Lost" world. Very fun climb.

2. Downtown Wellington, New Zealand.

3. Masha taking photos atop the high plains of Mordor.

4. Sunrise near the ocean (just on the other side of the spit), New Zealand.

5. Sourdough bread that I made - doesn't require any kneading just a lot of time.

6. White water rafting with the YM. Trevor decided it was a good time to take a swim.

7. The mountainous burger at road side cafe in New Zealand. If I can remember correctly: pumpernickle bread, lettuce, tomato, pickle, beef, cheese, egg (sunny side up), ham, and a special spicy tomato sauce. Hopefuly I didn't leave out any ingredients.

8. Flowers in bloom in a Wellington park.

9. Coco deciding that she is the true triathlete (eat, sleep, and scratch post) after Masha completed the Pacific Grove Olympic Length Triathlon.

10. The surf near the triathlon in Pacific Grove (this was shot during the triathlon).

Dad, Marsden, Lee Lee I blame you

2009-08-26T13:25:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I write funny posts. This one is a complaint.

Recently, I got it in my mind to ride 100 miles on my bike. I got to wondering while as I was finishing it Saturday, why I am doing this? Why do I think it is fun to ride through various climates, up 5000 ft of hills, and face 20 mpg head winds? I don't know why, but whatever it is I blame my Dad, Marsden and Lee Lee. They indoctrinated me while I was an impressionable teen. For that matter, I could place some blame on Carol as well for finding my Dad his bike.

If you don't feel guilty for this consider what I've decided to do next. I am running out of time to do long training, so I found something I can do with 'short' training runs. I am going to do a 11.1 mile bike ride in under 1 hour. Ha - you say - not so hard. Oh did I tell you the elevation gain is 3500 ft. That would be an AVERAGE grade of 6%. If that isn't enough, to add insult to injury, the last 200 yards is a 16% grade!

So feel guilty that through vicious introduction during my teenage years, you have formed this urge in myself to leave my house regularly and punish myself. This will take me to New Years Day to train for.

(For those of you who care about the details of my future ride it is Mt Diablo - see map for details)

View Larger Map

Health Reform

2009-08-17T16:42:00.001-07:00

Quotes

2009-08-13T14:25:00.000-07:00

Spouse: someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single. ~Author Unknown

It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. ~Rita Rudner

Comments?

PS - This isn't a complaining post - it's a funny post :)

To my coder girl

2009-08-11T09:20:00.001-07:00

This one goes out to that special someone - you know who you are. You're still like my first 'Hello World'.

Forclosures Again

2009-08-10T12:40:00.000-07:00

I hate to blog about the same topic again, but since my life is so great I can only complain about other people's--it is seems like theirs isn't so great right now.

We've all heard for a long time that the national real estate market stinks right now (did you know that real estate is a local market, not national? Oh well that isn't the point of this post). This morning I heard a tale of wo, wo, wo about the commercial real estate market and how some big company is going to default on some of its properties.

Yes that is unfortunate.

What pissed me off about it is the reason they were going to default or not be able to pay the mortgage: the property is not worth what they owe on it.

Since when does the value of something affect you paying the debt? It might affect your ability to sell the property, but give me a break. If everything was like that no credit card would get paid--the plastic card isn't worth the $1000 I owe so I can't pay it.

News media, get a clue: people and companies default on payments because they are broke, took too much risk (i.e. too big of loans), aren't making enough money, or signed up for a rip-off interest rate.

Title Fight

2009-07-29T13:41:00.000-07:00

What's for dinner?

2009-07-27T13:07:00.000-07:00

While some people thought spam was bad, others found food that probably shouldn't be eaten...

Product Placement

2009-07-23T16:03:00.000-07:00

For years, we suffered product placements in movies and tv shows, but yesterday was a low. You often see sports drinks and such in football and basketball, but not in the Tour de France.

Thor Hushovd (Cervelo Test Team), sporting the green jersey and leading the race up a mountain (how the green jersey was leading a hill climb is another story), decided he needed something to drink. His support car comes along side and hands him a Coke. He holds so you can clearly see the label. Then tries to open it. He can't get it opened. Not dismayed, he gives a thumbs up and a smile to the camera man, then throws the soda to the side of the road.