Chris Complains

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Steps to End Illegal Imigration: A Practical Guide

1. Forcibly enslave workers and send them to the arctic
2. Destroy economy to the point where starvation is imminent
3. Start racial, tribal, ethnic and religious wars all at once
4. Create a disease epidemic
5. Pollute drinking water
6. Create a filtered water monopoly and restrict sales (see previous)
7. Scatter nukes in fields like land mines
8. Dig a big moat around the entire country (it worked ok for Australia)
9. Randomly bomb a city each day
10. Show only re-runs of Ice Road Truckers on every tv station


1. Write one page repealing a bunch of laws

Monday, August 6, 2012

Fishy Communion

Last Sunday at church, I had perhaps the greatest idea during the Sacrament of the Lord's Supper.  Instead of using loaves of bread or wafers, we should use goldfish.  I'll tell you why too!

1. Goldfish are made from flour, so they are still mostly a bread.
2. Some people (like my son) don't like bread.  But everyone loves fishes cause they're delicious!
3. A fish is already a recognizable sign for Jesus.  I bet Pepperidge Farm would put a Ichthys (Jesus fish) on them instead of a smile.
4. Goldfish come in different colors so you get to coordinate with the season or the sermon.  Christmas time choose green and red.  Purple at Easter.  If you're discussing angels, go with the white Parmesan.  If the sermon's about the bitterness of sin maybe choose Salt & Vinegar.
5. Leftover communion fish could be given to the nursery so the kidlets get filled both spiritually and physically.

Have you ever wished communion featured other foods?

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

What to do?

In a couple weeks my wife is going to be out of town for a few days.  I need suggestions on what to do.  Here's what I've come up with so far.

1. Go grocery shopping.  Buy all the foods I'm generally not allowed to eat like chocolate covered donuts, overly salted potato chips, easy cheese etc.  Ignore all labels of fat, sugar, calories.  Focus on taste and preservatives.

2. Check the TV schedule for any important games.  Championships, playoffs, big rivalries, whatever.  Basketball, football, Xgames, Strongest Man, even the WNBA.

3. Order a meaty-meat meat-lovers pizza. No salad. No vegetables of any kind.  Maybe a side of buffalo wings.

4. Get dressed as a last resort. Required when traveling to the grocery store to pick up more donuts; optional when paying for pizza delivery.

5. Netflix any movie that has Vin Diesel’s name on it; or has the title of any combined animal like Sharktopus, Dino-croc or Piranha-saurus.

6. Create a Pandora station with Led Zepplin as the seed. Instantly thumbs down any song with a female voice. And thumbs down any song with a banjo.

7. Stay up until I fall asleep on the couch. Then drag myself to bed. Or not.

8. Sleep in late, very late.

9. Quickly do two of the easy things on my “honey do” list - ie hire a house cleaner right before she comes back.

10. Act like I missed my wife when she returns.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Smoking: The Worst Health Decision

I don't smoke because I think its a bad health decision (among other reasons). But recently, I heard a commentator on the radio say that smoking is the worst health decision we voluntarily make. Obviously he was wrong. Here's a list of worse things you can do to your health.

Shooting yourself
Jumping off a a cliff
Standing in a nuclear reactor
Standing in the path of a 65-watt laser
Putting forks in electrical outlets
Overdosing on drugs
Alcohol poisoning
Mixing ammonia and bleach on your face
Swallowing a lit firecracker
Drinking virus vials from the Center for Disease Control and Prevention
Taking a syringe full of air and injecting it into your blood stream
Going into outer space with a space suit
Shooting at the White House
Insulting Chuck Norris
Not eating or drinking for a month
Putting your head in an oven and falling asleep
Sitting in your car inside a closed garage with the engine running
Drinking molten gold
Eating McDonalds everyday

Tuesday, February 7, 2012


Well I guess you could be judging me, but to shake off that feeling a bit, I'll believe you are judging my iPhone (ok I really have an Incredible but iPhone just sounds catchier).

You look over at me with a glare like how dare you be on your phone during the middle of service. You're probably looking at facebook or even worse: composing a work email (remember that commandment to rest).

So maybe I am on twitter, but how do you know I'm not messaging Neil a quote from the sermon he'd really like, but couldn't hear because he has a cold. Maybe I'm texting the pastor about some announcement or ordination he forgot. You never know...

There's got to be something I can do to help you stop judging me. Maybe I could wear a hat or neck tie with a cool tech saying
  • I'm reading the Bible
  • iPhone for iManuel
  • Live Sermon Tweeting
  • Jesus is my Facebook friend

I guess I could also just turn off my phone for a couple hours, but then why have it in my pocket.

Have you judged someone using their phone during church? How have you avoided a wrathful judgement?

Monday, December 5, 2011

Kid Program Bingo

Most churches has a kids program, often around Christmas time. This year, instead of cringing your way through a painfully off-key version of "Silent Night," play Kiddo Bingo and try to spot the following kids:

1. Yeller
Identifying Features: All notes become the same pitch for these kids: a nice, steady, agonized wail. The Yellers can usually be found about three inches away from the microphone. They combine two very important children’s choir principles: projection and "making a joyful noise." It’s like they’re trying to out-sing the rest of the choir, as well as the original heavenly host of Bethlehem. I wouldn’t bet against them.

2. Sloucher
Identifying Features: Generally sits in the back row and no matter how many times his teacher pokes him in the back, he maintains the posture of the hunch-back of notre dame.

3. Shy One
Identifying Features: If forced to go onstage, these kids will fix their eyes directly on the ground and never look up. Occasionally, the director will have mercy on them and let them hand out jingle bells to the other kiddos or play a donkey in the nativity scene.

4. Nose Picker
Identifying Features: Has no real sense of where he is or how many people are watching maybe even recording his every movement. He'll generally start with a nose rub, but quickly progress to a digit insertion. Upon extraction, there will generally a brief examination period followed by a "gifting" of the green treasure to the Crier.

5. Crier
Identifying Features: like the shy one, she doesn't like to sing. She generally starts out a little sniffly and the full water works is turned on either directly before or after she stammers her memorized line into microphone.

6. Smiles
Identifying Features: It is generally believed this one is related to the sloucher, but parenting has either trained him to be overly polite or scared him into a false state of joy. Either way he doesn't seem to pay attention to the singing around him, or doesn't care to participate; he'll just smile. During high school he will be voted most likely to be bobble-head doll model.

7. Responsible One
Identifying Features: There is always an older kid, usually a girl, who holds the real power in the group. She has the most lines and she always happy and confident at the rehearsals. You’ll see her corralling the younger kids, even kindly most of the time.

8. Runner
Identifying Features: This one is easy to spot and was often previously identified as the crier. The key is a hasty exodus from the the choir loft often during the spiritual high note of the program. The runner continues down the aisle with arms out stretched until he reaches his slightly to very embarrassed parents.

When you get a bingo be sure to yell loud enough that I can hear you! What other kids should we be on the look out for during the next kid's program at church?

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Cleaning the Chapel

A lot of congregations to save money ask members to volunteer and help clean the church. Recently while participating in one of those cleaning mornings, I saw these parallels with scripture.

The Parable of the 10 Diapers
In the bathroom of the the Kingdom of Heaven there were ten dirty diapers, who having been soiled were left to sit in the garbage can. Five of them were loaded, and five were just wet. Now while the pastor was delayed, they all slumbered and ripened. But at 9am there was a cry, "Behold! The pastor is coming! Come out to meet him!" Then all those diapers prepared to release their odors. The wet ones said to the loaded, "Give us some of your poop, for our scent is too weak." But the loaded answered, saying, "What if there isn't enough for us and you? You go and try to collect some rotting fruit from the bottom of the can." While they buried themselves looking for rotting fruit, the pastor came, and those who were loaded released their stench before being dumped and made the pastor throw up a little in his mouth. Then the bag was sealed in the dumpster. Afterward the other diapers also surfaced, saying, "Open to us. Let us make you vomit also." But the pastor answered, "Wait for the garbage man."

The Prodigal Hymnal
There was a hymnal who lived in the sanctuary. It decided to leave the promised land and travel to distant places to participate in riotous living. Arriving in the nursery, the hymn book got piercings and tattoos and liked the attention and living it up until it suffered a broken back in a toddler head-on collision. It remembered the calm safe life of a hymn book in the choir loft and returned to the sanctuary where he was "made new" by the choir-master and rejoined the other books in the back of pews.
Miracle of Cheerios and Fishes
After cleaning was done, the pastor called the helpers together and said, "they have already been with me three hours and have nothing to eat. I do not want to send them away hungry, or they may collapse on the way and we know refreshments are necessary for any church event. What do we have to eat?"

"Just the candy in your office," they replied. He instructed them to kneel on the floor between the pews and to stretch forth their hands under and between the cracks in the pews and if they lacked not faith, refreshments would be provided. Afterward, he picked up 7 baskets overflowing with cheerios and gold fishes. And all left filled, if not a little queasy too.

Have you ever counted how many cheerios and fishes you can find at church or wondered how the hymn books seem to be so "experienced"? Have you had any strange thoughts while cleaning the church?